BUGLE BRIEFS

GRIM REAPER SAYS OPRAH BOOK CLUB PAPERBACK "CHANGED MY LIFE."  

"After I read Here on Earth by Alice Hoffman, I decided I just don't want to do the whole doom and gloom thing anymore."  

MEDICAL HEADLINES

DOCTORS SAY THEY'RE BAFFLED BY LOCAL MAN'S ROVING BALD SPOT

"I can't even wear a baseball cap like most bald guys," said a dejected Lloyd Tortsel 

BUGLE BRIEFS

WHITE HOUSE SAYS OBAMA'S AUTO-PEN DEVICE OUTDATED

The auto-pen device, shown here in the Oval Office, 
signs documents when the President is unavailable 

10-year-old device"leaks ink, squeaks and occasionally flips off the Vice-President," according to White House spokesperson Forkus Fenzle

DETECTIVES SAY LOCAL MAN MISSING FOR TWO WEEKS LEFT NOTE BLAMING EMPIRE CARPET JINGLE

BUGLE BRIEFS

PAPARAZZI  PHOTO ILLUSTRATES SAD DECLINE OF "GIRL FROM IPANEMA"

The Girl From Ipanema
on the beach in
Vila Velha, Brazil 

"I guess she's not 'tall and tan and

 young and lovely' anymore."  

           Reaction of retired Machinist Reardon Stumfunkie, self-professed fan of the 1964 hit song

BUGLE BRIEFS

NEIGHBORS TRADE GUNFIRE DURING ARGUMENT OVER REPLACING "GOOD NEIGHBOR" FENCE

BUGLE BRIEFS

The 98,000 square mile patch of dirt
depicted on this map is all that's left after Oregon's move

ENTIRE STATE OF OREGON FLEES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

LEAVES NOTE SAYING IT "CAN'T TAKE LIVING ABOVE CALIFORNIA ANYMORE"

The entire state of Oregon fled sometime early Saturday morning, leaving behind 98,000 square miles of dirt, an old Subaru, and a note explaining, "It's not that we dislike California, but it's like having a neighbor who has a bunch of people living in the garage and doesn't paint their house or fix up the yard." 


Oregon's current whereabouts are unknown but Kentucky wasted no time in expressing interest in moving to the vacant site between California and Washington.  "We can get along with 'pert near anybody," said Kentucky Land Office Director Goby Harkiss.   

BUGLE BRIEFS

PFIZER TO PROVIDE VIAGRA USERS WITH COMPLIMENTARY SINGLE-LENS 3-D GLASSES  
"Men taking Viagra only need the red lens because their vision is already bluish."  
Viagra spokesman Copernicus Storch