MONDAY NEWS BRIEFS

NEW CPR GUIDELINES RELEASED
Heart Association now says rescuers should connect jumper cables to victim's nipples before delivering chest compressions

Best Buy gives up attempts to mimic Seattle's
Pike Place fish market toss

BEST BUY'S ATTEMPT TO "CREATE CUSTOMER EXCITEMENT" FAILS
Company says Pike Place fish throwing model "didn't translate well to electronics retailing"




SNOPES:  NO TRUTH TO RUMOR THAT FORMER ILLINOIS GOVERNOR ROD BLAGOJEVICH HAS TERMINAL HEAD LICE


DICTIONARY AUTHORS MERRIAM AND WEBSTER HAVE FALLING OUT OVER WHETHER OR NOT "FRIGGIN'" IS A REAL WORD

ELECTION 2010

PROPOSITION 19 - LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA

The Bugle is committed to keeping our readers informed about candidates and measures on the November 2nd ballot.  Today, The Bugle speaks with Dune Salverson, manager of the Blazer Pot Dispensary in San Jose, about Proposition 19, which, if passed by voters, would legalize the use of marijuana in California.  

Bugle:  Dune, some say most dispensaries and their customers are flouting the law and most “patients” actually don’t have serious medical issues.  How do you respond to those allegations?

Salverson:  Man, where’s my shoe?  I lost my shoe, dude!

   

Bugle:  It’s right there on your foot, uh, dude. 

Salverson:  Oh, man...right.  Ha ha ha.  What was the question again?

Bugle:  What types of medical issues do your “patients” suffer from?

Salverson:  Oh, man, I am so baked right now.  Do you have any chips?  

Bugle:  No, sorry.  Do you think Prop 19 will pass?

Salverson:  Man, when I first...wait...listen...did you hear that, dude?  

Bugle:  No, I didn’t hear anything.

Salverson: Do you think I sound dumb?  Ha ha ha.  Dude, your forehead is so totally shiny...oh my God! 

  
Bugle:  Thank you.

Salverson: Wait, watch this.  I just learned to do a cartwheel, man.  Wanna see? It’s so (expletive deleted) cool! 

Bugle:  Well, I suppose.

Salverson:  (dozes off)  

FRIDAY SAN JOSE HEADLINES

MERCURY NEWS TO BECOME SINGLE NEWS PAGE ON BACK OF FRY'S ADS


HAYES MANSION RENTED OUT AS HALLOWEEN SUPERSTORE


SAN JOSE REDEVELOPMENT AGENCY MAY NOT HAVE MONEY TO BUY REMAINING LAND PARCELS FOR A's BASEBALL STADIUM
Mayor's worst case scenario:  Instead of diamond, baseball field could consist of concave polygon

BAY AREA NEWS BRIEFS

BREAKING NEWS:  MEG WHITMAN QUITS GOVERNOR'S RACE, PURCHASES CALIFORNIA


PIT BULL OWNERS HAVING THEIR DOGS LIPOSUCTIONED DOWN TO CHIHUAHUAS
San Jose resident Jerry Mungtoffer loves his pit bull but was tired of the dirty looks people gave him and his dog "Rambo" when they went for walks.  Three months ago, Mungtoffer did what many pit bull owners are doing:  having their veterinarian liposuction their dog to a smaller, less intimidating size.  Mungtoffer said he can't believe the change.  "He's a Chihuahua now, and everybody, even little kids and grandmas want to meet "Pepe," which is Rambo's new name.  Veterinarians say such procedures can be beneficial but recommend a three month period of adjustment following the surgery before dressing the dogs in bows, hats or sunglasses 

OBITUARIES:  RYLAND McQUEENIE, 93, INVENTOR OF GLASS-BOTTOM HEARSE DIES PENNILESS

Visit the Bugle's other blog at www.ducksley.com.  Don't worry--we'll deny that you did

QUESTIONS ARISE OVER SWAT TEAM BUSTS

SIX GAS STATION CUSTOMERS ARRESTED FOR "TOPPING OFF"

A 91-year-old great grandmother was one of six people arrested by Bay Area Air Quality Management District SWAT team officers during a sting Tuesday morning.  "I was pumping gas into my Buick and after the pump clicked off, I squeezed just a teeny bit more in," said an embarrassed Pearl Guthman.  It was the "squeezing just a teeny bit more in" that landed Guthman in jail.  "She's a scofflaw," said BAAQMD SWAT team leader Ben Chilpeck.  "There are plenty of signs telling people not to top off, but they still do it.  They're breaking the law.  Plus, it's bad for the air and it can lead to spillage."  

The gas station's attendant, who identified himself only as "Moe," said SWAT officers were dressed in camouflage gear and hid in the shrubbery surrounding the Shell station.  "I don't want to complain, but it seems like using a flash-bang device was overkill and maybe a little dangerous at a gas station," said Moe.  When asked about the use of the device, Chilpeck said team members never discuss tactics, but added, "Remember, when it comes to pumping gas, one click and that's it." 

BAY AREA NEW BRIEFS

HEALTH DEPARTMENT VOWS MORE FREQUENT INSPECTIONS OF FOOD TRUCKS AFTER SAN JOSE WOMAN FINDS DEFROSTER CONTROL KNOB IN EGG SALAD SANDWICH

LOCAL GOLF PRO MARKETING PRE-BENT GOLF CLUBS TO THOSE WITH ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES

MAN TRYING TO BUY $20.00 WALL MIRROR CHARGED $8,200 FOR ELECTRONIC PRICE SCANNER AFTER CLERK SCANS MIRROR FACE-DOWN

EFFICIENCY EXPERT SAYS “OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR” IS UNACCEPTABLE

CALLS FOR MORE PRODUCTS TO BE MADE IN THE U.S.

(San Jose) According to Riley Cleffner, the message printed on most vehicle mirrors is a perfect example of why America should build more products right here at home.  “This mirror was built overseas and it’s crap.  Objects should not be closer than they appear.  If they built the damned things right, the objects would be right where they’re supposed to be!” shouted Cleffner while holding a rear-view mirror in one hand and banging his shoe on the podium with the other.  “What if your bathroom mirror was like that?  You’d brush your teeth and ram your face into the mirror because you forgot you were closer than you appeared!” Cleffner made the comments during a speech to Mrs. Wyler’s fourth grade class at Bernard Madoff Elementary School.