BUGLE BRIEFS

CHAOS AT MASSAGE SCHOOL AFTER STAFF MEMBER ACCIDENTALLY FILLS HAND SANITIZER DISPENSERS WITH AROUSAL GEL

COLLEGE-BOUND TEEN WITH MOHAWK PICKS UP EXTRA CREDIT BY SERVING AS HIGH SCHOOL'S HUMAN SUNDIAL
Proud Mom:  "He's always loved timekeeping."  

WORKERS COMPLAIN THAT THE UNEMPLOYED ARE GETTING TOO PHYSICALLY FIT

Labor Secretary agrees:  "It's a fairness issue." 

     "I'm working 70 hours a week and have no time to work out, yet my unemployed neighbor looks like Mr. Universe.  It's not right," grumbled 36-year-old electrical engineer Angus Pasternak.  
     The concern over the contrast in fitness levels between the employed and unemployed has also reached the highest levels of government.  At a press conference yesterday, U.S. Secretary of Labor Tom Perez noted, "It's a fairness issue.  The majority of our workforce is out there doing the right thing--working long hours in stressful jobs, not working out and eating junk food.  The unemployed have too much time to exercise and that needs to change before we become a nation of abs and ab-nots."  

TSA DISPLAYS NEW TOOLS FOR PASSENGER SEARCHES
Transportation Security Administration officials say they hope new tools will make searches less invasive

250 ARRESTED IN WILD MELEE 
"MERRY CHRISTMAS" SUPPORTERS SQUARE OFF AGAINST "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" ADVOCATES

2011 Harley-Davidson "Slim Bob" Elliptical Trainer

Business Briefs:  
AMID DECLINING MOTORCYCLE SALES, HARLEY-DAVIDSON ANNOUNCES PLAN TO MARKET NEW LINE OF FITNESS EQUIPMENT 

HIRING FOR BROWN'S STAFF AFFECTS NEARBY BUSINESSES

GOVERNOR-ELECT ACCUSED OF DEPLETING SACRAMENTO'S SUPPLY OF OLD, CRANKY WORKERS

During his campaign for Governor, Jerry Brown promised that when it came to hiring staff members for his office, he would focus on those who were having the most difficult time finding a job -- older workers.  

"Mr. Sprinker"
Buzz Fesserman

But even though his term doesn't begin until January, some local business people are already complaining that Brown’s office is stealing their old, cantankerous employees. Marlin Owaka, the manager of a Sacramento area Orchard Supply Hardware store, described losing one such valued worker. “We called Buzz ‘Mr. Sprinkler,’" he said, referring to 69-year-old Buzz Fesserman. "Not because of frequent urination problems, which he did have, but because he knew everything about home sprinkler systems.  He yelled at customers and passed gas when he coughed, and the customers just loved him.  Now he’s gone...working for the Governor.”

OSH isn’t the only store to lose a beloved older worker to the state.  At the Wal-Mart store down the street, assistant manager Tinkle Bettencourt tearfully described former employee, 82-year-old Carmelita Goodlespech.  "She always smelled like Icy Hot," Bettencourt said, wiping her eyes. "She worked here for years, and then one day she said she was going to work for the new governor and she was gone. Now I can't help but cry every time I smell Icy Hot."  Brown spokesperson, 87-year-old Wallis Plenn, refused to comment for this story, adding, "Go (expletive) in your hat.  And get a haircut, you (expletive) hippie."  

New Home of the
Winchester Mystery House

WINCHESTER MYSTERY HOUSE TO MOVE TO DOWNTOWN OFFICE BUILDING

Mystery House Manager Blix Nguyen:  "It won't be as spooky, but the maintenance on the old place was killing us."  


PFIZER INTRODUCES TRYPTOPHAN TABLETS SO VEGETARIANS CAN ALSO FALL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH AFTER THANKSGIVING MEAL

POLICE RESPONDING TO PROWLER CALL FIND “SURVIVORMAN” LES STROUD IN ANDY ROONEY'S BEVERLY HILLS BACKYARD 

Rooney:  “He was prying termites out of the fence with a pocketknife and eating them. People shouldn't eat termites.”  

SAN JOSE MAN'S DREAM OF OPERATING FIRST MOBILE CREMATION SERVICE GOES UP IN SMOKE
"I was just trying to help people.  Maybe I needed more insulation," said Eternal Flame owner Dexter Cable


SOUTH BAY WOMAN POPS WHILE USING CPAP MACHINE FOR SLEEP APNEA 

Faulty relief valve may have been to blame

AIRBUS A380 GETS NEW ENGINES
Airbus CEO Clive Mutteringer:  "I dare say the Rolls-Royce jet engines on this bloody aeroplane have been a pain in the arse and we've decided to return to propellor driven propulsion."  

HOLLYWOOD BEAT:  

NBC'S MATT LAUER BREAKS INTO TEARS DURING TELEVISED INTERVIEW ABOUT MALE PATTERN BALDNESS

SERVING MELTED PLASTIC BAG OF GIBLETS HAS BECOME A THANKSGIVING TRADITION FOR CUTE FREMONT FAMILY


TSA TOUTS EFFECTIVENESS OF NEW SEARCH TECHNIQUES AFTER AGENT FINDS "SUSPICIOUS LOOKING MOLE" ON WOMAN'S THIGH DURING PAT-DOWN SEARCH

PRICE OF GM'S IPO SHARES PLUMMET FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT THAT AUTOMAKER WILL BRING BACK THE AZTEK.  

PRICE DROPS FROM $33 A SHARE TO $4.25

"I always really liked it.  I think it's cool!" said new GM CEO Dan Akerson as he was led from his office by security officers. 

COUNTY BOARD OF SUPERVISORS PLEAD  FOR MORE APPLICANTS FOR POET LAUREATE POSITION
County supervisors yesterday issued a desperate plea for more applicants for the County's Poet Laureate position after receiving only one application.  Supervisor Liz Kniss wept as she read the sample poem submitted with the application:     
Hills of green
like sentries they serve
I eat pickles and watch the clouds
"Please, anyone out there, please apply.  Even if your poem starts out with 'Roses are red'...we don't care.  Dear God, please...I'm begging you," said Kniss as she wiped tears from her eyes.  The selected applicant will serve a two year term and receive a $4,000 stipend.  

ACCUSATIONS FLY AS NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC EDITOR SELECTS PHOTO OF HER OWN KID FOR MAGAZINE'S "PICTURE OF THE YEAR" AWARD

BUGLE BRIEFS

BREAKING NEWS!
GOOGLE STREET VIEW PHOTO CAR DRIVES THROUGH VIAGRA SPILL 
Spokesman:  "It's not driveable.  It's been more than four hours now, so I'm not sure what we'll do next."
______________________


CITY EXPLORES "INNOVATIVE" PLAN TO AVOID A NEW ROUND OF LAYOFFS NEXT YEAR 
San Jose Mayor Chuck Reed's "Innovative new plan" calls for hiring back previously laid off employees and then laying them off again.  "That way, we'll reach the required number of layoffs to balance the budget and still have the same number of employees on board to provide necessary city services," explained Reed.  Council members seemed puzzled by the proposal and called for further study.  


BIZ NEWZ:  EVER WONDER WHAT YOU'LL LOOK LIKE IN 30 YEARS?
SILICON VALLEY STARTUP SHOWS OFF ITS NEW AGE PROGRESSION SOFTWARE 

Current photo of Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber in 30 years
according to Timespeed

Silicon Valley startup Timespeed  says its software can accurately portray what people, including teen star Justin Bieber, shown in a current photo on the left, will look like in 30 years (right photo)