BAY AREA HEADLINES

EXPRESS VTA LIGHT RAIL TRAIN SKIPS STOPS, SHAVES 19 SECONDS OFF TRIP FROM SOUTH SAN JOSE TO DOWNTOWN
City street sweeper still beats train from downtown to north San Jose

27 AMBULANCES SENT TO NON-INJURY ACCIDENT INVOLVING BLOODMOBILE
CHP Sgt. Twista Baumgardner:  "It looked a lot worse than it really was."

SAN JOSE CONSIDERING REVOLVING RESTAURANT AND OBSERVATION DECK ATOP CITY HALL
City Manager Deb "Deb" Figone:  "I think tourists would love it.  Plus, our councilmembers could check out their districts without ever having to leave the building."

GOOGLE DRIVERLESS CARS TESTED ON PUBLIC ROADWAYS

SIX VEHICLES LAST SEEN FRIDAY HEADING EAST ON HWY 680


Google is asking for motorists' help in finding six Toyota Prius hybrids that served as testbeds for the company's driverless vehicle technology.  The silver vehicles were last seen together Friday afternoon driving at a high rate of speed on eastbound Interstate 680 near Sunol.  The vehicles are easy identified by the large rotating sensor attached to the car's roof.  


When asked why Google didn't simply make contact with the high-tech vehicles via the internet, a company spokesperson sheepishly admitted that when they attempted to do so, they received the following error message:

Your search - Google Driverless Vehicles - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

• Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
• Try different keywords.
• Try more general keywords.

Anyone spotting the six vehicles is asked to contact Google or local police.

ELECTION 2010

BROWN STAFFER REFERS TO WHITMAN AS A “W----”                                     Bugle investigating, trying to determine what a “W----” is                                                                 

FRESNO AND DETROIT MAYORS CAUGHT TOILET PAPERING MEG WHITMAN’S ATHERTON HOME                                                                       Atherton Police Lt. Cyril Gargleton: “In addition to committing vandalism, they also scared her cat.”                                                                                                                             

MAYOR HINTS THAT IF MEASURE W PASSES, LOWER TIER SAN JOSE CITY EMPLOYEES MIGHT GET FREE GARBAGE CART UPGRADE
If passed by voters next month, Measure W would lead to the creation of a second, less expensive retirement plan for newly hired city employees.  Some experts warn such two-tier plans often lead to morale problems.  In response to those concerns, San Jose Mayor Chuck Reed believes he has the answer:  a free upgrade for affected employees from the 20-gallon garbage cart to the 32-gallon cart.  “That’s just $25.90 per month for a $27.50 cart,” said Reed excitedly.  “That’s a great value and a wonderful benefit for our employees who live in San Jose.”

TRANSIENTS FOUND LIVING IN GIANT COLON

Three intoxicated transient men were discovered camping inside a large plastic inflatable colon around 2:00am today by Alameda County Sheriff’s deputies.  The discovery came after a deputy on routine foot patrol heard strange noises coming from inside the colon.  “The men had apparently passed out and were snoring.  It’s a good thing the deputy found them because they had left a small campfire burning and the wall of the colon had already started bubbling,” said Sheriff’s Public Information Officer Cookie Pinsker.  

The Giant Colon is a popular exhibit that makes stops at health and science fairs around the country.  The colon, located in the fairground's patio area just south of the food court, was due to open to the public today.  Giant Colon spokesman Clive Funderberg said security issues are rare.  “There is a flap on the end of the colon but no locking device.  We’ve never had a problem before.”    

WEEKEND NEWS BRIEFS

BUCK-TOOTHED MAN UNABLE TO REMOVE TURTLENECK SHIRT:                                  Santa Clara resident laments, "I wish I'd never tried the damned thing on."  

GOOD SAMARITAN SETS STRICKEN MAN'S HAIR ON FIRE AFTER MISTAKING ELECTRIC CAR CHARGING STATION FOR AUTOMATIC DEFIBRILLATOR

"QWERTY" TOPS LIST OF MOST POPULAR FIRST NAMES FOR GIRLS IN SILICON VALLEY

FIREBAUGH A POOR VACATION CHOICE, SAYS HACK TRAVEL WRITER
"I'd rather go to Liberia"

BUGLE GOES ON HIATUS UNTIL NEXT WEEKEND

EDITOR PURCHASES GREYHOUND VACATION PACKAGE TO FIREBAUGH 

NEWS BRIEFS

SELFISH MAN REPORTS FINDING TRADER JOE'S STORE WITH NO SOLICITORS OUT FRONT BUT REFUSES TO DIVULGE ITS LOCATION

24 HOUR FITNESS TO ACTUALLY START SELLING MEAT

WINCHESTER MYSTERY HOUSE EMPLOYEE REPORTS SEEING THE GHOSTS OF SMITH AND WESSON URINATING ON THE GRAND BALLROOM FLOOR