THURSDAY NEWS BRIEFS

GOOGLE EARTH SPOTS "CLUNKER" IN MANTECA

Congress responds by allocating $1 billion to get it off the road 

UCSC ASTRONOMER DISCOVERS PLANET THAT IS JUST LIKE SANTA CRUZ

           

MILLIONS SHOCKED TO LEARN THE IDENTITY OF THE "THEY" AS IN "THEY SAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO RAIN THIS WEEKEND" 

TODAY'S HEADLINES

CAMPBELL MAN WANTS TO KNOW:  "WHERE DID ALL THOSE GOOD 1-800 DENTIST COMMERCIALS GO?"

"I JUST ARMOR ALL'D MY TIRES," RANKS AS THE NUMBER ONE REASON GIVEN BY VALLEY MOTORISTS FOR RIDING MASS TRANSIT

VISITORS TO LOS GATOS NUDIST RESORT CONFUSED BY NEW "NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE" SIGNS

SCIENTISTS WHO SPENT TWO YEARS STUDYING REPORTED "ALIEN LIFE FORM" IN MILPITAS FAMILY'S BACKYARD CONCLUDE IT'S JUST A DOG'S NOSE STICKING THROUGH A HOLE IN THE FENCE


STATE SENATOR JOE SIMITIAN PROPOSES LEGISLATION PROHIBITING PEOPLE UNDER 25 FROM USING THE WORD "LIKE."  

NEWS BRIEFS

ATTORNEY GENERAL SAYS CRAIGSLIST ISN'T FOOLING ANYONE WITH NEW "CITORE" CLASSIFICATION

AVIATION ANALYSTS SAY IT WILL BE THE AVAILABILITY OF GARLIC FRIES, NOT ADDITIONAL FLIGHTS, THAT WILL BRING TRAVELERS BACK TO SAN JOSE'S AIRPORT

MOTORISTS STILL ADJUSTING TO NEW HIGHWAY 680 TOLL LANE

Before the new Highway 680 toll lane opened, Bonnie Leeman spent 10 minutes driving to work in the commuter lane.  Now, the same drive takes her 23 minutes because none of the new toll lane's entry or exit points fall along her route.  Leeman describes the new lane as being "like a BART train with no doors."  And she's not the only critic.  Raj Malik, another Fremont commuter, said he has convenient access to a toll lane entrance but is forced to drive miles beyond his offramp to exit the lane.  "It's like the Hotel California.  You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave."

SOME HEADLINES

POLICE CALLED TO SAN JOSE HOTEL AFTER MEMBER OF "THE WIGGLES" ALLEGEDLY THROWS TELEVISION OUT OF 8th STORY HOTEL WINDOW DURING RAUCOUS POST-CONCERT PARTY

DOG WHISPERER SAYS PETS LOVE GOING FOR WALKS AND STICKING THEIR HEAD OUT OF THE CAR WINDOW, BUT, FOR SOME REASON, DON’T PARTICULARLY ENJOY WEARING HATS AND GOING TO STARBUCKS, HOTELS, FESTIVALS, CONCERTS, MACY’S, FARMER'S MARKETS AND HOME DEPOT.

MASAI WARRIORS HARDLY NOTICED AT AIRPORT

Just a day after two Lawrence Livermore Laboratory security agents dressed in black and carrying assault rifles strode into Mineta San Jose Airport to pick up an arriving colleague, two Masai Warriors wearing the traditional Shuka cloth and carrying shields and spears walked up to the Terminal A customer service desk and asked volunteer Howard Lumibaw what time the Southwest flight from Albuquerque was due in.  

“Hardly anyone in the terminal noticed them," said Lumibaw.  The warriors waited quietly until the Boeing 737 arrived, and then excitedly greeted a third warrior who had just walked off the plane.  “They were very nice,”commented Lumibaw.  “The first two stood quietly on one foot until the flight arrived.  Then, all three went to baggage claim to collect the third man’s shield and spear, and then they were gone.”  

MONDAY NEWS BRIEFS

TRAVELER'S ASSOCIATION BLASTS AIRPORT'S PLAN TO PRODUCE CALENDAR FEATURING IMAGES OF PASSENGERS' FULL-BODY SCANS

LOS GATOS 4TH GRADER RUNNING FOR STUDENT COUNCIL DEFENDS USE OF ROBOCALLS

SOUTH BAY WOMAN MYSTERIOUSLY STILL RECEIVING GEMCO MAILERS

STANFORD RESEARCH INSTITUTE RECEIVES GRANT TO DETERMINE WHY, WHEN DRIVING, THE CLOSER YOU GET TO HOME, THE MORE YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"As far as I'm concerned, if Safeway can sell motor oil, why can't Chevron stations sell cornish game hens?"
-Santa Clara County Supervisor candidate Forrest Williams, when asked how the County can best rein in health care spending

SATURDAY NEWS BOXERS

JUPITER MAKES CLOSEST APPROACH TO EARTH IN 50 YEARS
Scientists checking for damage, say it might have scratched Earth's paint

"WOZ" CAUGHT DOING 92 MILES PER HOUR ON SEGWAY

PSYCHOLOGIST SAYS ANOTHER BIG IRWIN ALLEN DISASTER FILM IS JUST WHAT'S NEEDED TO PERK UP AMERICA'S PSYCHE
Doctor later falls into deep depression when advised that Allen has been dead since 1991

SATURDAY NEWS BRIEFS

-CITY OF SAN JOSE INADVERTENTLY ANNEXES PLUMAS COUNTY NEIGHBORHOOD


-TAX ATTORNEY RONI DEUTSCH IN HOT WATER FOR PLACING IRS AGENT IN HALF-NELSON


-MAN TO WHO TALKS TO DEAD PEOPLE SAYS THE ECONOMY STINKS THERE, TOO, AND MANY WANT TO RETURN HERE


-SUNNYVALE COSTCO EMPLOYEE TO APPEAR IN COMPANY'S TV COMMERCIALS AFTER LOSING SIX POUNDS IN TWO YEARS BY EATING NOTHING BUT CHICKEN BAKES

NEWS BRIEFS

ACTIVISTS SAY "YOU ARE HERE" ARROWS ON SOUTH BAY MALL'S DIRECTORIES ARE INACCURATE


NEW REALITY SHOW "PBS PLEDGE BREAK!" DEBUTS TONIGHT.  PRODUCER PROMISES "LOTS OF SHOTS OF PEOPLE TALKING ON THE PHONE."


RADIO PERSONALITY "DR. DEAN" SHOWS UP TO WORK SICK, INFECTS ENTIRE STAFF

SJ NIXES CHRISTMAS IN THE PARK

Looking forlorn, San Jose Mayor Chuck Reed announced early today that the city's budget deficit has forced the cancellation of the popular Christmas in the Park event.  "We don't have the money for both the exhibits and the required services, so there will be no displays," said Reed.  Trying to put a positive spin on the disheartening news, Reed announced, "We will, however, have 52 Honey Huts in the park and we hope people will come downtown during the holiday season to go to the bathroom."  

NEWS BRIEFS

-BLIND FREMONT MAN FIGHTS ATTEMPTS TO REPLACE HIS NARCOLEPTIC SEEING EYE DOG
"Sometimes we stand on the street corner for a really long time, but to me it's not a big deal," said Charles Tumley.

-COMMITTEE TO DECIDE IF MORTGAGE COMPANY RADIO OFFER IS TRULY "THE BIGGEST NO-BRAINER IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND."

-LOS GATOS PLASTIC SURGEON:  LIPOSUCTION NOT APPROPRIATE REMEDY FOR THOSE WHOSE HEAD IS TOO LARGE FOR THEIR BODY

-SENATORS PROPOSE "DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL" ALTERNATIVE
Vote not yet scheduled for new "Don't say nothin' and for God's sake, don't show it to anyone" bill

-STARBUCKS DRIVE THROUGH TOLL LANE DEEMED A FAILURE
Company cites huge increase in "lane rage"

TWITTER FLAW FIXED

Company releases statement reassuring users

Twitter said today that a security flaw that allowed hackers to invade members’ accounts has been fixed.  The bug, first reported Tuesday morning, made Twitter users susceptible to pranks, modifying their tweets and in some cases, sending them bizarre messages.  This afternoon, the social networking company issued a press release confirming the flaw had been patched, stating:

“Twitter security has identified and fixed the flaw.  We recommend that members log out and then log back in to their account, all the while bouncing a large helium-filled latex chicken on their lap and shouting ‘tah dah...tah dah.‘  Maria Bartiromo...hubba hubba.  Twitter apologizes for the inconvenience to our members and has implemented additional measures to guard against similar attacks in the future.” 

TODAY'S HEADLINES

LOCAL PHYSICIAN SAYS HE'LL "BEAT THE TAR" OUT OF THE NEXT PATIENT WHO ASKS IF MEDICATION IS RIGHT FOR THEM

BASEBALL COMMISSIONER BUD SELIG SENDS LETTER TO SAN JOSE MAYOR ASKING, "WHAT WAS IT AGAIN WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DECIDING?"

-LOCAL FUN MEASURERS SAY TIME-HONORED "BARREL OF MONKEYS" SCALE OBSOLETE

FASHION AND LIFESTYLE:  SCENT EXPERT DESCRIBES NEW "IN THE WILD" COLOGNE AS SMELLING LIKE A GIRAFFE BELCHING FIGS

GRAMMARIAN PROTEST TURNS VIOLENT

Group demands that restaurant change name to "In, and Then Out Burger"

An overturned Volvo station wagon, bedraggled bow ties littering the street, and dozens of shredded copies of The Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation served as stark reminders of the violence that occurred Sunday afternoon after fighting broke out during a protest by hundreds of grammar experts.  

"It started out peacefully enough, but then some uninvited addlepate showed up with a sign containing both the non-word "supposably" as well as a dangling participle.  That's when participants began to altercate," said Aldous Menning III of Orinda.  Menning said a patch was torn off one elbow of his tweed jacket, but that he was otherwise unhurt.  He added that the group's next rally, planned for next month, will target Toys-R-Us.  

WEEKEND HEADLINES

-Local 5th graders win National Geographic award for constructing life-size woolly mammoth out of duct tape and tub drain hair

-SF Crime Lab discovers all 3,000,000 fingerprints in its database are the same

-Mountain View man advances on America's Got Talent after whistling the Theme from Shaft with a mouthful of lock washers

-Survey reveals that shopping center is actually slightly off to one side
"All this time, I thought we were over there," said one merchant, pointing

DR. SCHOLL'S TRYING TO RESOLVE SJPD BOOT BROUHAHA

Dr. Scholl’s emergency quick response group PERGE (Police Equipment Removal Group of Experts) arrived in San Jose Saturday, hoping to help alleviate tension stemming from the donation to Goodwill of dozens of officers’ work boots.  A department administrator acknowledged arranging the donation after his order to store the boots inside officers’ lockers was not followed. 

Meanwhile, a huge pile of donated boots, sneakers, loafers and pumps continues to grow outside the fence surrounding the police administration building on Mission Street.  City Manager Deb “Deb” Figone was seen late Friday trying on a pair of leopard print Pelle Moda open toe platform pumps that were left leaning against the fence.  A local bowling alley has also donated fifty pairs of used red and tan bowling shoes and shoe spray, and the Imelda Marcos World Shoe Fund is reportedly collecting footwear donations for San Jose officers.

NEW FIRE CHIEF MIGHT LOOSEN BAN ON FIREHOUSE PORN

Adult images to be limited to stick people illustrations

A modification of the comprehensive ban on adult magazines and photos in San Jose's fire stations is reportedly under consideration by the city's new fire chief, according to an anonymous source within the department. Even under the relaxed rules, possession of such items would reportedly be limited to X-rated stick people drawings or photographs.

Asked to comment, one firefighter responded,
"X-rated stick people?  Is he serious?  You know, we spend a lot of time at work, away from our significant others and our homes in Tahoe, Seattle and Phoenix.  This just isn't fair."

MAN FOUND ALIVE BURIED IN MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION CARDS IN BATHROOM

A 47 year-old Santa Clara man is in stable condition after being rescued from the floor of his bathroom.  "We received a call from his co-workers who became concerned because he hadn't shown up for work for nearly a month," said firefighter Teresa Nguyen. Rescuers said they found Clark Seligsen partially buried in a huge pile of "hundreds of thousands" of magazine subscription cards in the master bathroom of his home.  "Why guys do this, I'll never understand," said Nguyen.

TODAY'S HEADLINES

-Doctors optimistic about reattachment surgery for San Jose man following tragic waxing accident

-Outdoor movie series at Guadalupe Landfill canceled due to lackluster ticket sales

-Six year old Milpitas girl's tea party "ruined" after being crashed by hundreds of angry people with signs

-PETA to conduct local training seminar on rehabilitating and relocating household ants

-Mercury-News Monday edition changes to postcard format

WEDNESDAY HEADLINES

-Carly Fiorinia applies for position as Radio Shack store manager "Just in case."

-$2 million research study claims men with unibrow less like to claim rebates on electronic items

-Pandora unable to create David Soul station

-Bugle editors discover toolbar font color button

 

APPLE RELEASES LIST OF REJECTED iPAD APPS

Apple today released a list of applications it has turned down for use with its iPad tablet computer.  A company spokesperson said simply, "There are inherent issues with each of these applications," without identifying the alleged problems.  Apple added that in an effort to be transparent, more lists will be made public in the future.  The "apps" that were rejected include:

• Truck Scale app
• Check Your Own Sewer Pipe! video app
• Whiz Wizard!  Urinal Target app
• Lava Temperature Measurement app
• Trailer Hitch Tongue Weight Measurement app
• Test My Saliva Enzymes app
• Bank Robbery Demand Note app
• Peek Under the Restroom Stall app
• The Bugle app

MORE BAY AREA HEADLINES

UCSF Dental School yearbook to display 

X-Rays of students rather than photos.  

Dean says, "We thought we'd try something new this year." 

-Angry bald man claims FasTrack transponder killed his new hair plugs

-Designer of Hillsborough’s “Flintstone House” offers to remodel Hangar One

ELDERLY MEN WHO MEET AT McDONALD’S FORMING GANGS

Gang Experts Concerned:  "These guys can get really cranky.” 

Gangs are not a recent phenomenon in most cities, but according to experts, older men, most of them in their 70’s and 80’s, are increasingly forming gangs.  “These are guys who meet every morning over scalding hot coffee at McDonald’s.  It started out as just a social thing, but it has really taken a turn for the worse,” said Mayor’s Gang Task Force spokesperson Melinda Spunch.  “Just last week, members of the South Side Mickey D’s gang did a drive-by smirking past the hangout of the San Jo Golden Arches.”  

Police are investigating the case and describe the vehicle involved as a silver 1990’s Buick LeSabre or Mercury Grand Marquis with a AAA sticker on the back bumper and a compass on the windshield.  “It was going very slowly and there were six occupants in the vehicle, all short males with receding hairlines and wearing goggle-type glasses,” said police spokesman David Tran, who added that a white assisted living center shuttle van has also been observed during other such “drive-bys.”  Spunch said the Mayor’s Gang Task Force has organized additional morning Cribbage games in an effort to keep gang members off the streets.  “We’re just asking everyone to calm down and keep the peace,” said Spunch. 

BAY AREA HEADLINES

-Civil War reenactors brawl with robot designers inside Fry’s

-Bay Area car wash chain says its new Prozac interior scent alleviates road rage  

-Apple claims that holding a steel lawn rake solves iPhone reception problems

-High Speed Rail to use VTA Light Rail tracks through downtown San Jose

  Safety regulations to require trains to slow to 165 mph near Children's Discovery Museum and San Jose State

FRUSTRATED SELIG SAYS HE CAN’T READ SIGNATURES ON LETTER FROM CEOs

Undecipherable Signatures May Blunt Letter’s Impact

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig complained today that he is unable to read any of the 75 signatures on a letter sent to him by Bay Area business leaders endorsing the A’s move to San Jose.  “Some of the signatures look like seismograph readings.  Another appears to be an electrocardiograph of a patient who flat lined, then came back to life, and then flat lined again,” complained Selig. He also singled out Cisco’s John Chambers.  “His signature looks like it says ‘Jubw Obnobnn.’”  What do these guys do, write with their feet?”   

NEWARK MAN DESCRIBES NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE

Says "Light at the End of the Tunnel" is an energy efficient LED

56 year-old Marcus Vardell's amazing experience occurred Wednesday as he was having a tooth filled.  "I remember losing consciousness right after the dentist sprayed air in the hole he had just drilled.  It was like getting kicked in the head by a zebra, but then I passed out and was floating in a tunnel toward a very bright light.”  Vardell said before reaching the light, he awoke in the dentist's chair.  He described the light at the end of the tunnel as possibly a 35-watt LED, which is equivalent to a 250-watt incandescent bulb.   “I guess everybody’s trying to cut back on energy use,” said Vardell. 

COSTCO ROTISSERIE CHICKEN NAMED STATE BIRD

Replaces California Valley Quail 

The State Board of State Designated Stuff Deciders (SBSDSD) announced today that the Costco rotisserie chicken will become California’s new state bird on January 1st, taking the honor away from the California Valley Quail, which has held the title since 1931.  Costco Ornithologist Mary Sue Ellen Quartnikoff-Molar released a statement saying, “Costco is honored by this designation and we’re proud to send hundreds of millions of these state birds home with loving Costco members every day.”      

SAN JOSE MAN SAYS HE ACTUALLY LIKES CITY'S METHOD OF COLLECTING GREEN WASTE

An annoyingly happy San Jose resident said today that the garbage company’s method of using a tractor to scoop up piles of residential green waste is a great way for neighbors to bond.  “It’s like sharing.  On Tuesdays after they pick up, I not only still have my own clippings, but some from each of my neighbors, too,” said Gaultiero Manganello as he pointed to a five-foot wide swath of leftover clippings running the length of his street.  "I really think it’s brought us closer together.  Plus I love sweeping.”

TODAY'S STORIES FROM AROUND THE BAY

-City of San Jose to sell falcon eggs to raise extra cash

-Beer hall employee inadvertently leaves prototype barstool at Apple headquarters

-Former Mercury-News Executive Editor David Yarnold has been named president of the National Audubon Society.  Yarnold admits, "Before I got this job, I was familiar with only two birds: the owl, which is very wise and goes 'hoot hoot,' and that blue Froot Loops bird."  Yarnold says he studies bird flashcards for at least an hour each day.

-A Los Altos startup that manufactured a computer keyboard that allowed men to type with their penis has declared bankruptcy.  The firm (no pun intended) says its inability to engineer a workable solution to the "control-alt-delete" challenge led to its demise.

SWEDISH DAY LABORERS AT IKEA STORES IRK NEIGHBORS

Neighbors of a Bay Area Ikea store are complaining that an influx of Swedish day laborers is making their lives miserable.  

“They’re out there as early as 6:00am with carpenter’s axe in hand, laughing loudly and drinking their Bryggkaffee Mörkrost,” complained Bethany Taynor, who lives across the street from the store.  “I tried to go to a different Ikea a few days ago to buy some Bumerang curved clothes hangers, and this guy in the parking lot stops me and asks if I need any boats built.  It’s really annoying.  I’ve switched to Bed, Bath and Beyond, but I’ve got to admit, I really miss my Skorpor Fullkorn in the morning.” 

According to Simo Blomgren, Professor of Swedish Studies at the University of Wichita, Sweden’s economy is also in recession, causing many Swedes to come to the U.S. in search of work.  Blomgren reports that Volvo dealerships are also reporting large groups of day laborers.  “I drove by a dealership the other day and it looked like an Abba concert.”  

HEADLINES FROM AROUND SILICON VALLEY AND THE BAY

-Local medical experts express concern after competitive eater Joey Chestnutt is hired as senior center nutrition director


-San Jose wastewater treatment facility named most popular summertime "staycation" destination


-Neighbors pleased after Los Altos resident trims trees to look like cellular towers.  "Now it blends in with the rest of the neighborhood," said one.  


-According to media, everyone is thoroughly outraged about something or other


-Orion's Belt down to the last hole; astronomers blame obesity epidemic  


-The Bugle slips in different font; no one notices

POLICE CHIEF SEARCH TO EXPAND

After receiving direction from the community on what qualities are desired in a new police chief, San Jose City Manager Deb “Deb” Figone has directed the executive recruitment firm conducting the search to look outside the solar system.  The desired attributes listed by a majority of residents on a public survey include:

--Multilingual (no fair using Rosetta Stone), as well as proficiency as a dog, cat and horse whisperer.  Mind reading abilities are also highly desirable. 

--Ability to compromise but must always agree with survey respondent

--Won’t listen to those other guys

--Will work for pay and benefits lower than what I’m getting

--Promises to solve bedbug problem in San Jose

WEEKEND HEADLINES

--Passengers alarmed when airline ramp employees jump-start 757 using baggage tractor

--Palo Alto bank robber escapes with dozens of "Next Window Please" signs

--The Bugle's first "Follower" awarded with Mervyn's gift card

CALTRANS HIRES HAIKU POET IN BID TO MAKE HIGHWAY SIGNS MORE INTERESTING

In an effort to make the message more interesting, Caltrans announced today that it has inked an agreement with Haiku poet Tadeo Shimizu to reword dozens of California highway signs.  "We received proposals from hundreds of Haiku poets, but Tadeo's poetry really stood out.  It's really quite magnificent and we think motorists will love the change," said Caltrans spokesperson Minnie Gaspar.  The sample poem that Tadeo originally sent to Caltrans with his proposal will eventually replace the "One car each green" sign at metered ramps.  It reads:

In each lane
One car shall go
When lamp, the color of a leaf becomes

The amount the state is paying Tadeo has not yet been disclosed, but he will participate in Furlough Fridays, said Gaspar.

INNOVATIVE SOLUTION TO CALTRAIN LOUD HORN COMPLAINTS

COMMUTER RAIL SERVICE TAKES CUE FROM ICE CREAM VENDORS, WILL PLAY "TURKEY IN THE STRAW" AT CROSSINGS

Following months of complaints from residents who live near railroad crossings, Caltrain has decided to eliminate the use of horns on locomotives.  Instead, engineers will play a recording of "Turkey in the Straw" as the train approaches the crossing.  "Neighborhood ice cream vendors have been using the tune for years and it's an attention grabber.  I also think neighbors will prefer this to the loud whistle," declared Caltrain manager Bluma Nazari-Ka'uhane.   The change will be effective Oct. 1st.    

HEADLINES FROM AROUND SILICON VALLEY AND THE BAY

-Half Moon Bay for sale on eBay.  Seller willing to finance at Buy It Now price.  

-Library storytellers directed to avoid using term “Happy Ending.” 

-Stricter airport noise curfew will limit late night landings to gliders...and Larry Ellison’s jet.

-After two year investigation by state health officials, an office fountain was determined to be the source of dozens of complaints of frequent urination by employees of a Fremont company.

FUTURE HEADLINES:

San Jose Mayor Bill Chew and Police Chief Raj Jayadev both reiterated today that they believe the city’s 23 police officers are sufficient to serve the city’s 1.9 million residents.  “I think we’ve proven that putting officers on roller skates leads to faster response times,” said Chew.