DEAR ABBY TO BECOME DEAR ABHA

Mercury News Offshores Advice Column in Effort to Cut Costs

San Jose Mercury News editors said today that rising costs have forced the move of the syndicated "Dear Abby" column to India.  The new column will be written by Abha Chandramouleeswaran, a noted Indian advice columnist and will be called "Dear Abha."
"We're absolutely certain that the quality of the advice will remain the same and we don't believe our readers will notice any difference," said editor Cletus Morrow.   He adds that Chandramouleeswaran has even promised to continue the "Dear Abby" tradition of composing a list of favorite prank letters to run on April Fools Day.

VOWEL POLICE CITE SAN JOSE CITY COUNCILMAN

Bud Oliver

OLIVERIO AGREES TO NAME CHANGE

San Jose City Councilman Pierluigi Oliverio was cited Friday by Federal Vowel Police for having an excessive number of vowels in his name.  "Mr. Oliverio's first and last names contain ten vowels, which is well over the allowed limit, and the overuse of the letter "i" is particularly egregious," said Vowel Police Lt. Brg Lrtcpp.  In exchange for his guilty plea, Oliverio has agreed to change his name to "Bud Oliver."  

SILICON VALLEY BUSINESS HEADLINES

-DOW DOWN, NO WAIT, IT'S UP, NO IT'S DOWN AGAIN, NOW IT'S UP...

-FRUSTRATED COUPLE UNABLE TO SELL THEIR THREE BEDROOM SOUTH BAY HOME TRADE IT FOR A 1972 PLYMOUTH CRICKET

SJ CITY HALL COOLING MIST CONTRIBUTING TO CLIMATE CHANGE?

San Jose City Hall and visitors disappear
 in mist on a recent hot afternoon

A scientist from the Save the World Atmospheric and Climate Change Research Center of North America said the devices which spread a cooling mist over the City Hall plaza may be causing irreparable environmental damage.  “The mist lowers temperatures in the plaza by one-tenth of one degree.  That’s enough to kill a pygmy marmoset,” said Borg Kuzminski of the STWAACCRCONA.  When the building opened in 2005, critics complained that the devices wasted water and were an expensive luxury during a time of budget shortfalls.  The complaints subsided after the water was replaced with vodka, which also led to a dramatic jump in visitor traffic to the plaza.   

BAY AREA HEADLINES

-“Mr. Roadshow” vows to stop using the word “alas.”

-Plug-in locomotives a possibility for High Speed Rail

-Elderly Sunnyvale woman says maintaining scrapbook of old White Front store memorabilia keeps her young

-New DA says regulating ear candling parties a priority 

-Thousands of bats attracted to Palo Alto home after Smart Meter installation

-Fire Dept. spends thousands responding to cat-in-tree calls at new  off-leash cat park

CONCERN GROWS AS COUNCILMAN DROPS TO 84 POUNDS

San Jose City Councilman Pete Constant before and after weight loss

     Gloria Woo, a staff member in San Jose City Councilman Pete Constant’s office is concerned about her boss.  “He’s lost so much weight he doesn’t even leave shoe prints on the office carpeting anymore,” she said.  Woo added that she and other workers are concerned about Constant’s health.  “He’s way too thin. His cheeks are so sunken it looks like he’s wearing someone else’s false teeth.”  

     Although Constant is no longer solely on a liquid diet, he reportedly limits his daily food intake to  one radicchio leaf and an ice cube.  Constant began the strict weight loss regimen early this year after a constituent mistook him for dead comedian Buddy Hackett.  As for Constant, he brushes off his staffers’ concerns, boasting, “My navel is now only a quarter of an inch deep instead of four inches! 

SJ AIRPORT “HANDS” MURAL TO BE REMOVED FOLLOWING DISCOVERY THAT IT SAYS “FLY SFO” IN SIGN LANGUAGE

Red-faced airport officials said today they didn’t realize the mural communicated any actual message.  “We thought it was just a bunch of hands,” said airport spokesman David Vossbrink.  “Frankly, I’m glad to get rid of it.  I thought it was kind of creepy.”