BUGLE BRIEFS

PLUTO STILL PISSED ABOUT BEING DOWNGRADED TO A GASBALL
"I blame Saturn the most.  It doesn't care about any of the other planets.  It's always, 'Oooooh, look at my rings.  I'm sooo special.' If anyone should have been downgraded, it should have been Uranus.  What the hell kind of name is that?" exclaimed the angry gasball.   








NRA SAYS RINGING IN THE NEW YEAR WITH MACHINE GUN FIRE IS A FUN, TIME-HONORED FAMILY TRADITION

BUGLE BRIEFS

FORMER EMPLOYEE ACCUSES OBSERVATORY ASTRONOMERS OF USING TELESCOPE TO PEEK THROUGH RESIDENTS' WINDOWS


HEATHROW AIRPORT MANAGER SAYS TERMINAL FLOORS HAVE NEVER LOOKED CLEANER AFTER THOUSANDS OF STRANDED PASSENGERS FORCED TO SLEEP ON FLOOR DURING SNOWSTORM

CITY OFFICIALS RELIEVED THAT LAST PIECE OF BARE LAND TO BE DEVELOPED

Planning Department Spokesman Mohammed GerdIe:  "Bare lots like this are such a nuisance.  They have weeds and squirrels and stuff, and they're covered with dirt and get all muddy when it rains, plus leaves from the trees blow everywhere.  What a mess.  We'll be so relieved when the whole city is covered with concrete and pavement."  

BUGLE BRIEFS

TAKING A CUE FROM THE OIL COMPANIES,  ELECTRIC UTILITIES TO PHASE IN THREE GRADES OF ELECTRICITY

Luvis Pester, president of NURT, the National Utility Reform Team:  "Now I've heard it all."  

BUGLE BRIEFS

CHAOS AT MASSAGE SCHOOL AFTER STAFF MEMBER ACCIDENTALLY FILLS HAND SANITIZER DISPENSERS WITH AROUSAL GEL

COLLEGE-BOUND TEEN WITH MOHAWK PICKS UP EXTRA CREDIT BY SERVING AS HIGH SCHOOL'S HUMAN SUNDIAL
Proud Mom:  "He's always loved timekeeping."  

WORKERS COMPLAIN THAT THE UNEMPLOYED ARE GETTING TOO PHYSICALLY FIT

Labor Secretary agrees:  "It's a fairness issue." 

     "I'm working 70 hours a week and have no time to work out, yet my unemployed neighbor looks like Mr. Universe.  It's not right," grumbled 36-year-old electrical engineer Angus Pasternak.  
     The concern over the contrast in fitness levels between the employed and unemployed has also reached the highest levels of government.  At a press conference yesterday, U.S. Secretary of Labor Tom Perez noted, "It's a fairness issue.  The majority of our workforce is out there doing the right thing--working long hours in stressful jobs, not working out and eating junk food.  The unemployed have too much time to exercise and that needs to change before we become a nation of abs and ab-nots."  

TSA DISPLAYS NEW TOOLS FOR PASSENGER SEARCHES
Transportation Security Administration officials say they hope new tools will make searches less invasive

250 ARRESTED IN WILD MELEE 
"MERRY CHRISTMAS" SUPPORTERS SQUARE OFF AGAINST "HAPPY HOLIDAYS" ADVOCATES

2011 Harley-Davidson "Slim Bob" Elliptical Trainer

Business Briefs:  
AMID DECLINING MOTORCYCLE SALES, HARLEY-DAVIDSON ANNOUNCES PLAN TO MARKET NEW LINE OF FITNESS EQUIPMENT 

HIRING FOR BROWN'S STAFF AFFECTS NEARBY BUSINESSES

GOVERNOR-ELECT ACCUSED OF DEPLETING SACRAMENTO'S SUPPLY OF OLD, CRANKY WORKERS

During his campaign for Governor, Jerry Brown promised that when it came to hiring staff members for his office, he would focus on those who were having the most difficult time finding a job -- older workers.  

"Mr. Sprinker"
Buzz Fesserman

But even though his term doesn't begin until January, some local business people are already complaining that Brown’s office is stealing their old, cantankerous employees. Marlin Owaka, the manager of a Sacramento area Orchard Supply Hardware store, described losing one such valued worker. “We called Buzz ‘Mr. Sprinkler,’" he said, referring to 69-year-old Buzz Fesserman. "Not because of frequent urination problems, which he did have, but because he knew everything about home sprinkler systems.  He yelled at customers and passed gas when he coughed, and the customers just loved him.  Now he’s gone...working for the Governor.”

OSH isn’t the only store to lose a beloved older worker to the state.  At the Wal-Mart store down the street, assistant manager Tinkle Bettencourt tearfully described former employee, 82-year-old Carmelita Goodlespech.  "She always smelled like Icy Hot," Bettencourt said, wiping her eyes. "She worked here for years, and then one day she said she was going to work for the new governor and she was gone. Now I can't help but cry every time I smell Icy Hot."  Brown spokesperson, 87-year-old Wallis Plenn, refused to comment for this story, adding, "Go (expletive) in your hat.  And get a haircut, you (expletive) hippie."  

New Home of the
Winchester Mystery House

WINCHESTER MYSTERY HOUSE TO MOVE TO DOWNTOWN OFFICE BUILDING

Mystery House Manager Blix Nguyen:  "It won't be as spooky, but the maintenance on the old place was killing us."  


PFIZER INTRODUCES TRYPTOPHAN TABLETS SO VEGETARIANS CAN ALSO FALL ASLEEP ON THE COUCH AFTER THANKSGIVING MEAL

POLICE RESPONDING TO PROWLER CALL FIND “SURVIVORMAN” LES STROUD IN ANDY ROONEY'S BEVERLY HILLS BACKYARD 

Rooney:  “He was prying termites out of the fence with a pocketknife and eating them. People shouldn't eat termites.”  

SAN JOSE MAN'S DREAM OF OPERATING FIRST MOBILE CREMATION SERVICE GOES UP IN SMOKE
"I was just trying to help people.  Maybe I needed more insulation," said Eternal Flame owner Dexter Cable


SOUTH BAY WOMAN POPS WHILE USING CPAP MACHINE FOR SLEEP APNEA 

Faulty relief valve may have been to blame

AIRBUS A380 GETS NEW ENGINES
Airbus CEO Clive Mutteringer:  "I dare say the Rolls-Royce jet engines on this bloody aeroplane have been a pain in the arse and we've decided to return to propellor driven propulsion."  

HOLLYWOOD BEAT:  

NBC'S MATT LAUER BREAKS INTO TEARS DURING TELEVISED INTERVIEW ABOUT MALE PATTERN BALDNESS

SERVING MELTED PLASTIC BAG OF GIBLETS HAS BECOME A THANKSGIVING TRADITION FOR CUTE FREMONT FAMILY


TSA TOUTS EFFECTIVENESS OF NEW SEARCH TECHNIQUES AFTER AGENT FINDS "SUSPICIOUS LOOKING MOLE" ON WOMAN'S THIGH DURING PAT-DOWN SEARCH

PRICE OF GM'S IPO SHARES PLUMMET FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT THAT AUTOMAKER WILL BRING BACK THE AZTEK.  

PRICE DROPS FROM $33 A SHARE TO $4.25

"I always really liked it.  I think it's cool!" said new GM CEO Dan Akerson as he was led from his office by security officers. 

COUNTY BOARD OF SUPERVISORS PLEAD  FOR MORE APPLICANTS FOR POET LAUREATE POSITION
County supervisors yesterday issued a desperate plea for more applicants for the County's Poet Laureate position after receiving only one application.  Supervisor Liz Kniss wept as she read the sample poem submitted with the application:     
Hills of green
like sentries they serve
I eat pickles and watch the clouds
"Please, anyone out there, please apply.  Even if your poem starts out with 'Roses are red'...we don't care.  Dear God, please...I'm begging you," said Kniss as she wiped tears from her eyes.  The selected applicant will serve a two year term and receive a $4,000 stipend.  

ACCUSATIONS FLY AS NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC EDITOR SELECTS PHOTO OF HER OWN KID FOR MAGAZINE'S "PICTURE OF THE YEAR" AWARD

BUGLE BRIEFS

BREAKING NEWS!
GOOGLE STREET VIEW PHOTO CAR DRIVES THROUGH VIAGRA SPILL 
Spokesman:  "It's not driveable.  It's been more than four hours now, so I'm not sure what we'll do next."
______________________


CITY EXPLORES "INNOVATIVE" PLAN TO AVOID A NEW ROUND OF LAYOFFS NEXT YEAR 
San Jose Mayor Chuck Reed's "Innovative new plan" calls for hiring back previously laid off employees and then laying them off again.  "That way, we'll reach the required number of layoffs to balance the budget and still have the same number of employees on board to provide necessary city services," explained Reed.  Council members seemed puzzled by the proposal and called for further study.  


BIZ NEWZ:  EVER WONDER WHAT YOU'LL LOOK LIKE IN 30 YEARS?
SILICON VALLEY STARTUP SHOWS OFF ITS NEW AGE PROGRESSION SOFTWARE 

Current photo of Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber in 30 years
according to Timespeed

Silicon Valley startup Timespeed  says its software can accurately portray what people, including teen star Justin Bieber, shown in a current photo on the left, will look like in 30 years (right photo)

THERAPIST BLASTS FREE RANGE CHICKEN FARMS

"CHICKENS NEED STRUCTURE," SAYS EXPERT

Do free range chickens have more behavioral problems than birds who are subject to strict rules and guidelines?   Yes, says highly respected poultry therapist Topaz Corpel-Klotz.  

"What I'm saying might surprise people, but I see the problems affecting these free range chickens every day in my practice."  And the cause, she says, is a lack of structure.  "Free range chickens have no one telling them, 'No, it's not okay to stay out with the rooster until all hours of the night, " she said.  

A lack of discipline and boundaries, says Corpel-Klotz, who works primarily with White Leghorn and Golden Comet chickens, results in angry, rebellious poultry.  "Last week, I had an agitated Leghorn free-ranger stomp out of my office during a session, light a cigarette and peck a hole in my car tire.  He calmed down after I threatened to 'Foster Farm' his ass."  Corpel-Klotz added that chicken farmers "must be teachers, not their chicken's best friend."  

BUGLE NATIONAL NEWS

ANGRY WILFORD BRIMLEY SPEAKS OUT ABOUT LIBERTY MEDICAL'S DECISON TO SHELVE HIS HIP HOP DIABETES COMMERCIAL
Speaking to reporters, the 66 year-old actor/spokesman said, "I'm gonna school dem wankstas fosho, cuz I'm a straight-up G." 

SUICIDE BOMBER WEARING VEST FILLED WITH MENTOS DIES IN EXPLOSION AT COCA-COLA PLANT

VIDEO OF CAT RIDING ON ROBOT VACUUM CLEANER SURPRISE HIT AT CANNES FILM FESTIVAL

BUGLE BRIEFS

WHITE HOUSE LEARNS THANKSGIVING TURKEY 

PARDONED BY OBAMA 

IS IN COUNTRY ILLEGALLY

• 
  

  
  

AVIATION NEWS:  

AAA RESPONDS TO LATEST STRING OF AIRCRAFT MECHANICAL PROBLEMS BY UNVEILING NEW TOW PLANE

"We're proud to offer this new service to airlines and it will include all the typical AAA services including jumpstarts, fuel delivery, lockouts and towing," said company spokesperson Marigold Phenuchi.

BUGLE BRIEFS

CARNIVAL AIRLIFTS KENNY G TO BROKEN-DOWN SHIP TO PROVIDE ENTERTAINMENT; 2200 PASSENGERS JUMP OVERBOARD

MAN WITH U.S. MAP TATTOOED ON BODY INJURED IN SUNNYVALE BAR FIGHT
Police say unidentified 28 year old sustained contusion to Homer, Alaska and swelling around Florida panhandle


SILICON VALLEY LIFE:  Santa Clara family bonds by spending weekends counting spiders in their garage

BUGLE BRIEFS

12 year old Wally Skimmels of Milford, Utah
takes his turn on the tow trike

BREAKING NEWS:  
MAYHEM IN THE PACIFIC!

THOUSANDS OUTRAGED AS CRUISE LINE FORCES PASSENGERS TO TOW STRICKEN  SHIP BACK TO SAN DIEGO 

 CITING HIGH COST, CRUISE LINE CANCELS TUGBOATS
"Also, a few of our passengers view this as a wonderful opportunity to lose some weight," said Captain Fjnll Qvggee.   The ship, originally scheduled to be back in port sometime Friday, is now expected to arrive January 7th.

EL POLLO LOCO ABANDONS PLAN TO CHANGE NAME TO

MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT EL MENTALMENTE DISMINUIDO POLLO AFTER DISCOVERING NAME WON'T FIT ON DRINK CUPS

Alaska ballots so stained
results could take weeks

TOBACCO JUICE STAINS ON ALASKA BALLOTS BLAMED FOR DELAY IN ELECTION RESULTS
Officials say it could take weeks to decipher remaining ballots


PALO ALTO WOMAN CREATES HIT MUSICAL FROM
NISSAN SENTRA OWNER'S MANUAL

SOUTH BAY WOMAN FILES SUIT AGAINST ONLINE DATING SERVICE

WOMAN IDENTIFIED ONLY BY HER FIRST NAME "MERCEDES" REPORTS BEING STALKED BY COMPACT CAR

It began with a few friendly emails, but things quickly turned dark.  Mercedes, a 32 year old marketing director from Los Gatos, said that shortly after joining an online dating service, she became the target of unwanted attention from a blue Mazda 3.  "I didn't respond to the first emails from...uh, it.  Next thing I know, I'm receiving these weird photos on my smartphone."  

In one photo, the car displays what Mercedes describes as a "creepy Jack Nicholson smile."  "Even the steering wheel was smiling like some sort of demented buck-toothed rabbit," she added.  

The Mazda also reportedly sent pictures of itself with both its hood and trunk open.  "Such explicit photos are absolutely prohibited according to our membership contract," said Marnee Woktosian-Canaveral, a spokesperson for online dating service dateinformatique.com.  "We have already revoked this Mazda's membership."  

BUGLE BRIEFS

U.S. PRESIDENCY OUTSOURCED
Obama staying in India; says working in New Delhi much cheaper and will save taxpayers millions.  "With a cell phone you can work from pretty much anywhere.  Unless you have AT&T, of course." said the President.



SAN ANDREAS FAULT REVEALED TO BE A HOAX
Two Wasco men admit using Ditch Witch to create 800 mile long fault-like ridges; "They really got us on this one," laughed USGS Chief Seismologist Merton Ginwiddie.  


QUOTE OF THE DAY
LOS ALTOS MAN WHO HAS NO FACEBOOK FRIENDS:
"Well, at least I have a friend in the diamond business."  

BUGLE BRIEFS

LOCAL NEWS:  IN MONEY SAVING MOVE, SJ AIRPORT INSTALLS MOVING SIDEWALK THAT DOESN'T MOVE
Airport spokesman David Vossbrink:  "A motor would have cost us another $80,000."
Related Story:  Airport fire personnel rescue hundreds of stranded travelers from non-moving walkway


DISCOVERY THAT ELECTRICAL STIMULATION IMPROVES MATH SKILLS LEADS TO RECORD NUMBER OF FORK-IN-THE-TOASTER INJURIES TO COLLEGE STUDENTS

PASSENGERS BALK AT AIRLINES' ATTEMPTS TO SWITCH TO EVEN SMALLER AIRCRAFT 
"This is ridiculous.  They've gone too far," says National Association of Business Travelers

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN ADMITS OBAMA WAS WATCHING McGYVER RERUN ON HIS SMARTPHONE DURING NEWS CONFERENCE

BUGLE BRIEFS

BREAKING NEWS:
OUT OF JOBS SOON, SCHWARZENEGGER AND MALDONADO TO HIT THE STAGE IN "SOME LIKE IT HOT"
 

TOP STORIES

LOCAL COUPLE WITH DOUBLE VISION WELCOME QUADRUPLETS.  Friends say couple has no idea how many children they actually have

CONTROVERSY ERUPTS OVER RAND PAUL SENATE SEAT WIN

KENTUCKY VOTERS SAY THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE VOTING FOR RuPaul

Exit polls show that most Kentucky voters might not have had Senate seat winner Rand Paul in mind when they cast their votes.  According to the survey, a majority of those who went to the polls on Tuesday thought they were casting a vote for drag queen RuPaul, rather than Rand Paul.

Lexington voter Narvis Pinger, 42, was visibly upset after discovering he had just voted for Paul instead of RuPaul.  "Don't get me wrong, I kind of like that Rand Paul guy, but RuPaul is purtier, although I feel kinda funny saying that.  But I thought I was voting for her...er, him.  Or her."    

Rand Paul said he's already spoken with RuPaul, who he said has no interest in politics but "would love to help decorate Paul's new Senate office." 

ELECTION 2010

 Edwards new Fremont mayor 

HE'S BAAAACK!!!  
SMUDGED BALLOTS SOMEHOW LEAD 
TO JOHN EDWARDS BEING ELECTED MAYOR OF FREMONT


REPUBLICANS POISED TO MAKE BIG CHANGES
Related story:  The Bugle uses the word "Poised" for the first time


JERRY BROWN SEARCHES eBAY, DISCOVERS HIS '74 PLYMOUTH SATELLITE FROM PREVIOUS TERM AS GOVERNOR; TICKED OFF MEG WHITMAN BUYS IT FIRST FOR $1.3 MILLION.
  


CORRESPONDENT ALI VELSHI STOMPS OFFSTAGE AFTER CNN CUTS AWAY FROM ELECTION NIGHT COVERAGE TO BREAK STORY ABOUT ASHLEE SIMPSON'S NEW PIXIE CUT 


ANGRY FIORINA BARRICADES HERSELF IN HOTEL BALLROOM; VOWS TO FIND A WAY TO SEND EVERYONE'S JOB TO CHINA  


PROP 22 PASSES; PROHIBITS STATE FROM RAIDING LOCAL FUNDS
State says it'll be forced to rob smaller, weaker states to get money
Team of thugs reportedly sent to Indiana

TUESDAY BUGLE BRIEFS

MEMBERS OF THE LEAGUE OF CURMUDGEONS REFUSE TO ATTEND THEIR OWN ELECTION DAY RALLY
"You think just because I'm old I don't have better things to do than go to some stupid rally?" commented member Floyd Fennigan before shoving reporter

LOCAL MAN WHOSE ONLINE PASSWORDS WERE DISPLAYED IN HIS FULL-BODY TATTOO RIPPED OFF BY MASSAGE THERAPIST WITH PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY

PFIZER INUNDATED WITH CUSTOMER COMPLAINTS ABOUT NEW VIAGRA "SEXTING" APP

Pfizer spokesman Dooley Bolanz:  "Remember, you have to wait at least 30 minutes before snapping the picture."  

BUGLE BRIEFS

WOMAN WHO WORE LADY GAGA STEAK DRESS TO RURAL HALLOWEEN PARTY IN STABLE CONDITION AFTER BEING ATTACKED BY FAMISHED SKUNKS 

Newest dental trend: Teeth grouting

SOUTH BAY DENTIST SAYS AMAZING NEW TEETH GROUTING PROCEDURE ELIMINATES NEED TO FLOSS 

ELECTION 2010:  IS VOTER ENTHUSIASM DEAD?

Many say they'll only watch election night returns to "see if Wolf Blitzer flies away in a hologram."  

WEEKEND NEWS BRIEFS

CANADA OFFERS TO TAKE MEL GIBSON IF U.S. WILL TAKE BACK RANDY QUAID AND HIS WIFE

SAN JOSE CONVENTION CENTER CANCELS ORIGAMI SHOW AFTER DISCOVERING ALL DISPLAYS MADE FROM CITY EMPLOYEE LAYOFF NOTICES

CAMPBELL MAN ADMITS HE ONLY ATTENDS CHURCH TO GET LAUNDRY CHANGE

NEW TREND:  RESIDENTS GIVING UP HOMES AND MOVING INTO AUTO DEALERSHIP CUSTOMER LOUNGES

"It's comfortable and they have free cookies," says one.

FRIDAY'S TOP STORIES

GIANTS WIN GAME 2 BUT RANGERS OUTSPIT THEM 
SF MANAGER BOCHY:  "WINNING THE GAME IS NICE BUT WE CAN DO BETTER.  WE'RE GREAT SPITTERS.  WE JUST HAVE TO FOCUS AND CHEW MORE."  


SAN JOSE BACKS OFF CAMBRIAN ANNEXATION AFTER LEARNING, "THE WHOLE DANGED NEIGHBORHOOD IS CRAWLING WITH BEDBUGS."

Sheriff Candidate Bing Bowden
reacts to Taser hit

ELECTION 2010:  SHERIFF CANDIDATES USE TASERS ON ONE ANOTHER DURING TUMULTOUS DEBATE 
Both say they're shocked by their opponent's actions




ENTERTAINMENT NEWS:  KEITH RICHARDS TO OPEN THEATER IN BRANSON, MISSOURI
Rocker says "It'll be like an old fashioned hayride in the English countryside...except with booze and heroin."

SAN JOSE MAP FLAP

San Jose Mercury News publishes map displaying locations of crimes in San Jose








Police Department publishes map of locations where the Mercury News ended up on the subscriber's roof 

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 28TH

NEWS BREIFS BRIEFS

BLUE MAN GROUP COMPLAINS OF DISCRIMINATION BY MIMES

SURVEY FINDS MANY LONELY SINGLES ARE FLYING JUST FOR THE PATDOWN SEARCH

PBS TRAVEL HOST RICK STEVES LOST SOMEWHERE IN MILPITAS

COURT RULES THAT THOSE VOTING WITH ABSENTEE BALLOTS "ACTUALLY HAVE TO LEAVE TOWN FOR AWHILE"

American Society of Travel Agents celebrates ruling

AT&T PARK STOLEN ON OPENING DAY OF WORLD SERIES!

SUSPICION IMMEDIATELY FALLS ON SAN JOSE MAYOR

Newson to Reed:  Give us our stadium back!

This poorly retouched photographed shows the
skyline without AT&T Park

It was supposed to be a joyous day in San Francisco.  After all, it's the opening day of the World Series, as the city's beloved Giants take on the Texas Rangers.  But when officials arrived at daybreak, they made an unthinkable discovery:  AT&T Park had been stolen in the middle of the night.  


"I left at 11:00pm last night and it was still there, but now...nothing," said AT&T park maintenance manager Maynard Whitog.  
While they admit they have no proof of his involvement, many Giants fans were quick to blame San Jose Mayor Chuck Reed for the theft.  "He wanted a ballpark more than anything, but didn't have the land or the money, so he took ours," shouted a person who was either a man or a woman wearing a Giants hat.  Police said they're conducting search warrants at a number of locations but refused to be more specific.  "We're doing our darndest, trying to get the stadium back in time for the first pitch," said police spokesperson Fenner Peckham.  "If anyone knows where it is, they can return it no questions asked," he added.  

NEWS BRIEFS

BARNES AND NOBLE CEO ADMITS "WE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT" WHEN DECIDING TO NAME THEIR NEW DEVICE THE "NOOK E-READER"  


RESPECTED LOCAL ECONOMIST PREDICTS PRICE OF CAR WASH IN THE BAY AREA WILL OVERTAKE MEDIAN HOME PRICE SOMETIME NEXT YEAR
Acknowledges that's the high-priced wash that includes interior fragrance and tire dressing 


INVESTIGATION INTO HUNDREDS OF BOTCHED HAIRCUTS AT SAN JOSE SUPERCUTS SHOP PINS BLAME ON UNEVEN FLOOR