WEEKEND NEWS BRIEFS

CANADA OFFERS TO TAKE MEL GIBSON IF U.S. WILL TAKE BACK RANDY QUAID AND HIS WIFE

SAN JOSE CONVENTION CENTER CANCELS ORIGAMI SHOW AFTER DISCOVERING ALL DISPLAYS MADE FROM CITY EMPLOYEE LAYOFF NOTICES

CAMPBELL MAN ADMITS HE ONLY ATTENDS CHURCH TO GET LAUNDRY CHANGE

NEW TREND:  RESIDENTS GIVING UP HOMES AND MOVING INTO AUTO DEALERSHIP CUSTOMER LOUNGES

"It's comfortable and they have free cookies," says one.

FRIDAY'S TOP STORIES

GIANTS WIN GAME 2 BUT RANGERS OUTSPIT THEM 
SF MANAGER BOCHY:  "WINNING THE GAME IS NICE BUT WE CAN DO BETTER.  WE'RE GREAT SPITTERS.  WE JUST HAVE TO FOCUS AND CHEW MORE."  


SAN JOSE BACKS OFF CAMBRIAN ANNEXATION AFTER LEARNING, "THE WHOLE DANGED NEIGHBORHOOD IS CRAWLING WITH BEDBUGS."

Sheriff Candidate Bing Bowden
reacts to Taser hit

ELECTION 2010:  SHERIFF CANDIDATES USE TASERS ON ONE ANOTHER DURING TUMULTOUS DEBATE 
Both say they're shocked by their opponent's actions




ENTERTAINMENT NEWS:  KEITH RICHARDS TO OPEN THEATER IN BRANSON, MISSOURI
Rocker says "It'll be like an old fashioned hayride in the English countryside...except with booze and heroin."

SAN JOSE MAP FLAP

San Jose Mercury News publishes map displaying locations of crimes in San Jose








Police Department publishes map of locations where the Mercury News ended up on the subscriber's roof 

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 28TH

NEWS BREIFS BRIEFS

BLUE MAN GROUP COMPLAINS OF DISCRIMINATION BY MIMES

SURVEY FINDS MANY LONELY SINGLES ARE FLYING JUST FOR THE PATDOWN SEARCH

PBS TRAVEL HOST RICK STEVES LOST SOMEWHERE IN MILPITAS

COURT RULES THAT THOSE VOTING WITH ABSENTEE BALLOTS "ACTUALLY HAVE TO LEAVE TOWN FOR AWHILE"

American Society of Travel Agents celebrates ruling

AT&T PARK STOLEN ON OPENING DAY OF WORLD SERIES!

SUSPICION IMMEDIATELY FALLS ON SAN JOSE MAYOR

Newson to Reed:  Give us our stadium back!

This poorly retouched photographed shows the
skyline without AT&T Park

It was supposed to be a joyous day in San Francisco.  After all, it's the opening day of the World Series, as the city's beloved Giants take on the Texas Rangers.  But when officials arrived at daybreak, they made an unthinkable discovery:  AT&T Park had been stolen in the middle of the night.  


"I left at 11:00pm last night and it was still there, but now...nothing," said AT&T park maintenance manager Maynard Whitog.  
While they admit they have no proof of his involvement, many Giants fans were quick to blame San Jose Mayor Chuck Reed for the theft.  "He wanted a ballpark more than anything, but didn't have the land or the money, so he took ours," shouted a person who was either a man or a woman wearing a Giants hat.  Police said they're conducting search warrants at a number of locations but refused to be more specific.  "We're doing our darndest, trying to get the stadium back in time for the first pitch," said police spokesperson Fenner Peckham.  "If anyone knows where it is, they can return it no questions asked," he added.  

NEWS BRIEFS

BARNES AND NOBLE CEO ADMITS "WE NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT" WHEN DECIDING TO NAME THEIR NEW DEVICE THE "NOOK E-READER"  


RESPECTED LOCAL ECONOMIST PREDICTS PRICE OF CAR WASH IN THE BAY AREA WILL OVERTAKE MEDIAN HOME PRICE SOMETIME NEXT YEAR
Acknowledges that's the high-priced wash that includes interior fragrance and tire dressing 


INVESTIGATION INTO HUNDREDS OF BOTCHED HAIRCUTS AT SAN JOSE SUPERCUTS SHOP PINS BLAME ON UNEVEN FLOOR 

SOUTH BAY GAS PRICES RISE

OIL INDUSTRY SPOKEMAN CITES SEVERAL FACTORS 


The summer driving season is over, so aren't gas prices supposed to drop?  That's the question The Bugle posed to a local oil industry representative.  Marcus Danderlog, 62, an industry veteran, told The Bugle in a recent interview that there are numerous reasons behind the recent spike in gasoline prices.


"First, we're in the process of changing from the summer blend to the winter blend, which requires a lot of blending.  Plus mixing.  Mixing and blending.  I think they even have to hand-stir it with a big boat oar.  The winter blend also has more wintry kind of stuff in it, which costs a lot more but is worth it.  I mean, you don't want a big chunk of icegas in your tank, do you?  Also, five or six people in the South Bay who were laid off found new jobs in the past few months, so they're driving more and that affects supply.  In addition, we hate to do it, but we typically have to do maintenance on all the refineries at the same time for some reason, so there's another supply issue.  And, oh yeah, one time there was a fire at a refinery."  


Danderlog predicts that prices will remain high until they go down again.  






  

THE BUGLE PRESENTS: BEST OF THE BEST NEW PRODUCTS

COLD CASH, ANYONE?

THE FRIGGINCOLD 5000 REFRIGERATOR WITH IN-THE-DOOR ATM

Ice and water through the door?  How ordinary.  Especially when compared to the new combination Refrigerator/ATM by Friggincold.

No more trips to the bank!  This 25 cubic foot refrigerator/freezer has a full-featured automatic teller machine built right into the door for your convenience.  Make deposits and withdrawals and check your account balance right from your kitchen.  Ice and water dispensers are conveniently located inside the refrigerator.  Once again the wizards at Friggincold have made your life easier! 


Available:  Now

Bugle product rating:  

PET OF THE WEEK

SOUTH BAY PET ADOPTION CENTER

Larry is a 4 year old, 15 pound male tuxedo cat.  He loves playing with string and has a playful, fun-loving personality but will attack people and appliances if neutering is mentioned.  His favorite activities are hissing, napping on someone's lap while drooling endlessly on their pants and tracking cat litter throughout the home.    

     RANDALL is a two year old, mostly gentle 87 pound Burmese Python who loves watching Sobongo and hugging small living things.  He's not a picky eater and enjoys everything from meatloaf to dolphins.  He's a friendly fellow but turning your back on him is not recommended.  An adult household with guns would be most appropriate for Randall.  


LATE REVISIONS:  
1.  We regret that Larry the cat is no longer available for adoption 
2.  The weight of Randall the Python has abruptly increased from 87 pounds to 102 pounds.  

NEWS BRIEFS

iPOD EARBUDS FALLING OUT OF USER'S EARS A BIG PROBLEM, SAY EXPERTS

Jobs issues statement saying Adobe is to blame

HEALTH:  AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION SAYS "WORKING THROUGH THE PAIN" NOT GOOD ADVICE FOR THOSE WITH GUNSHOT WOUNDS

YOUNGER ADVISORS TELL JERRY BROWN TO STOP USING DATED PHRASE, "SOCK IT TO ME."

SAN JOSE CITY COUNCILMAN REMOVES OPPONENTS' POLITICAL SIGN

Fire Union Reps Accuse Oliverio of Theft


Oliverio colleague:  "GEEZ, I HOPE PIERLUIGI HASN'T GONE JOAQUIN PHOENIX ON US."

Allegations fly after Councilman observed removing "No on Measure V" sign

UPDATE:  SEARCH OF COUNCILMAN'S HOME TURNS UP THOUSANDS OF HOMEMADE GARAGE SALE SIGNS  

BROKEN NEWS

SUNNYVALE COUPLE DISCOVERS RANDY QUAID AND HIS WIFE SLEEPING IN THEIR YARD SHED.  
"We loved him as Cousin Eddie in that 'Vacation' movie, but they can't stay here," say residents


LOCAL OPTOMETRIST ASKS SHARKS GOALIE ANTERO NIITTYMAKI FOR PERMISSION TO USE HIS NAME AS AN OFFICE EYE TEST CHART


SUV DISAPPEARS INTO SOUTH BAY POTHOLE

Tapping noises heard -- officials optimistic

"One minute there was this Suburban in front of me, the next minute it was gone," said motorist Folka Chiano.  The Suburban and its unknown number of occupants had disappeared into one of the many large potholes on Los Gatos-Almaden Road on the San Jose-Los Gatos border.  Emergency responders said they could see the vehicle's taillights but weren't sure how far down the SUV was.  Officials say the Chile mine rescue capsule is on standby in case its needed.    

MUMBLERS ANONYMOUS DEMANDS BALLOTS WRITTEN IN GIBBERISH

FRIDAY NEWS BRIEFS

GLORIA ALLRED FILES CLASS ACTION SUIT AGAINST 155,000,000 MEN FOR REPEATEDLY LEAVING TOILET SEAT UP
Appears on national television with sobbing client

ANNOUNCER REVEALS THAT HE POKES HIMSELF IN THE EYE IN ORDER TO SOUND OUTRAGED WHILE RECORDING NEGATIVE POLITICAL COMMERCIALS

GOOGLE DRIVERLESS CARS LOCATED IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
Six Prius Hybrids in custody for allegedly robbing Starbucks drive-through

OBAMA MEETS WITH APPLE'S STEVE JOBS

LEAVES MEETING WEARING TURTLENECK; OTHER DEMS FOLLOW SUIT

During his visit to the Bay Area Thursday, President Barack Obama met with Apple CEO Steve Jobs.  The topic of their discussion wasn't disclosed, however, the President emerged from the meeting wearing a Jobs-style black turtleneck shirt.  Within the hour, both California Senator Barbara Boxer and Nevada Senator Harry Reid made media appearances wearing turtlenecks.  "We think this will make a big difference on November 2nd," said Reid. 

PROTESTS IN FRANCE OVER SAN JOSE'S MEASURE W

Word of San Jose's Measure W, which, if passed by voters would create a new, less expensive set of pension benefits for new city employees, has reached across the Atlantic to France, where protestors and striking workers set fires, blockaded the airport and even forced the cancellation of a concert by Lady Gaga.  Asked by The Bugle if they were angry over the San Jose ballot measure, one masked French protestor cocked his head quizzically and said, "Non," which we think means "yes" in French.  

NATIONAL NEWS

MAYAN CALENDAR PREDICTING THE END OF THE WORLD INCORRECT

Many angry about having to change their plans

     The review of the Mayan calendar by historians has tossed the lives of many Americans into turmoil.  The calendar was thought to predict that the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012, but after a review, historians contend that date is probably wrong, saying the Mayans neglected to consider state furlough days and Daylight Savings Time.  
     As a result, many Americans are stressed over the newly created uncertainly of their future.  "I was going to buy a new Aston-Martin on credit on Dec. 8th, 2012 and drive it around for a couple of weeks before the 'big bang' and never have to pay for it.  Now my plan is all shot to hell," complained Norwick Leedy of Modesto.  "A lot of us are fed up with the Mayans screwing with our lives and plan to vote them out on November 2nd."  


NASA WANTS MORE SHUTTLE MISSIONS
Requests more money for Stop-Leak and duct tape

MORE SPACE STUFF:  
AFTER 10 YEAR SEARCH, ASTRONOMERS SAY THEY'VE FOUND THE OLDEST GALAXY 

APPLE UNVEILS THE iHad

DEVICE EASILY ENABLES USERS TO LIST THE THINGS THEY HAD PRIOR TO THE GREAT RECESSION

Apple iHad

The Apple iHad hasn't even reached the marketplace yet and analysts are already saying that it could be the Cupertino company's biggest smash hit yet.  "It's certainly right for the times," commented tech blogger Luna Moon Spumacher, who added, "And at just $35.99, I think they'll sell millions of them."   


The iHad's 11" X 14" ruled writing display surface is made of a patented high-tech cellulose pulp material.  Unlike other, more expensive devices, the iHad is very lightweight at just three ounces, and books, magazines and newspapers can easily be read simply by placing them on top of the iHad's non-touch screen surface.  


While there have been a few complaints that the iHad is not equipped with a web browser, camera, PDF reader or wireless capability, Apple says those features can be had on their other products.  "It's incredible.  It took me just a few minutes to list all the stuff I don't have and can't afford anymore," said Apple store customer Brook Bellingham, wiping a tear from his eye.  "That Steve Jobs is a genius." 

MONDAY NEWS BRIEFS

NEW CPR GUIDELINES RELEASED
Heart Association now says rescuers should connect jumper cables to victim's nipples before delivering chest compressions

Best Buy gives up attempts to mimic Seattle's
Pike Place fish market toss

BEST BUY'S ATTEMPT TO "CREATE CUSTOMER EXCITEMENT" FAILS
Company says Pike Place fish throwing model "didn't translate well to electronics retailing"




SNOPES:  NO TRUTH TO RUMOR THAT FORMER ILLINOIS GOVERNOR ROD BLAGOJEVICH HAS TERMINAL HEAD LICE


DICTIONARY AUTHORS MERRIAM AND WEBSTER HAVE FALLING OUT OVER WHETHER OR NOT "FRIGGIN'" IS A REAL WORD

ELECTION 2010

PROPOSITION 19 - LEGALIZATION OF MARIJUANA

The Bugle is committed to keeping our readers informed about candidates and measures on the November 2nd ballot.  Today, The Bugle speaks with Dune Salverson, manager of the Blazer Pot Dispensary in San Jose, about Proposition 19, which, if passed by voters, would legalize the use of marijuana in California.  

Bugle:  Dune, some say most dispensaries and their customers are flouting the law and most “patients” actually don’t have serious medical issues.  How do you respond to those allegations?

Salverson:  Man, where’s my shoe?  I lost my shoe, dude!

   

Bugle:  It’s right there on your foot, uh, dude. 

Salverson:  Oh, man...right.  Ha ha ha.  What was the question again?

Bugle:  What types of medical issues do your “patients” suffer from?

Salverson:  Oh, man, I am so baked right now.  Do you have any chips?  

Bugle:  No, sorry.  Do you think Prop 19 will pass?

Salverson:  Man, when I first...wait...listen...did you hear that, dude?  

Bugle:  No, I didn’t hear anything.

Salverson: Do you think I sound dumb?  Ha ha ha.  Dude, your forehead is so totally shiny...oh my God! 

  
Bugle:  Thank you.

Salverson: Wait, watch this.  I just learned to do a cartwheel, man.  Wanna see? It’s so (expletive deleted) cool! 

Bugle:  Well, I suppose.

Salverson:  (dozes off)  

FRIDAY SAN JOSE HEADLINES

MERCURY NEWS TO BECOME SINGLE NEWS PAGE ON BACK OF FRY'S ADS


HAYES MANSION RENTED OUT AS HALLOWEEN SUPERSTORE


SAN JOSE REDEVELOPMENT AGENCY MAY NOT HAVE MONEY TO BUY REMAINING LAND PARCELS FOR A's BASEBALL STADIUM
Mayor's worst case scenario:  Instead of diamond, baseball field could consist of concave polygon

BAY AREA NEWS BRIEFS

BREAKING NEWS:  MEG WHITMAN QUITS GOVERNOR'S RACE, PURCHASES CALIFORNIA


PIT BULL OWNERS HAVING THEIR DOGS LIPOSUCTIONED DOWN TO CHIHUAHUAS
San Jose resident Jerry Mungtoffer loves his pit bull but was tired of the dirty looks people gave him and his dog "Rambo" when they went for walks.  Three months ago, Mungtoffer did what many pit bull owners are doing:  having their veterinarian liposuction their dog to a smaller, less intimidating size.  Mungtoffer said he can't believe the change.  "He's a Chihuahua now, and everybody, even little kids and grandmas want to meet "Pepe," which is Rambo's new name.  Veterinarians say such procedures can be beneficial but recommend a three month period of adjustment following the surgery before dressing the dogs in bows, hats or sunglasses 

OBITUARIES:  RYLAND McQUEENIE, 93, INVENTOR OF GLASS-BOTTOM HEARSE DIES PENNILESS

Visit the Bugle's other blog at www.ducksley.com.  Don't worry--we'll deny that you did

QUESTIONS ARISE OVER SWAT TEAM BUSTS

SIX GAS STATION CUSTOMERS ARRESTED FOR "TOPPING OFF"

A 91-year-old great grandmother was one of six people arrested by Bay Area Air Quality Management District SWAT team officers during a sting Tuesday morning.  "I was pumping gas into my Buick and after the pump clicked off, I squeezed just a teeny bit more in," said an embarrassed Pearl Guthman.  It was the "squeezing just a teeny bit more in" that landed Guthman in jail.  "She's a scofflaw," said BAAQMD SWAT team leader Ben Chilpeck.  "There are plenty of signs telling people not to top off, but they still do it.  They're breaking the law.  Plus, it's bad for the air and it can lead to spillage."  

The gas station's attendant, who identified himself only as "Moe," said SWAT officers were dressed in camouflage gear and hid in the shrubbery surrounding the Shell station.  "I don't want to complain, but it seems like using a flash-bang device was overkill and maybe a little dangerous at a gas station," said Moe.  When asked about the use of the device, Chilpeck said team members never discuss tactics, but added, "Remember, when it comes to pumping gas, one click and that's it." 

BAY AREA NEW BRIEFS

HEALTH DEPARTMENT VOWS MORE FREQUENT INSPECTIONS OF FOOD TRUCKS AFTER SAN JOSE WOMAN FINDS DEFROSTER CONTROL KNOB IN EGG SALAD SANDWICH

LOCAL GOLF PRO MARKETING PRE-BENT GOLF CLUBS TO THOSE WITH ANGER MANAGEMENT ISSUES

MAN TRYING TO BUY $20.00 WALL MIRROR CHARGED $8,200 FOR ELECTRONIC PRICE SCANNER AFTER CLERK SCANS MIRROR FACE-DOWN

EFFICIENCY EXPERT SAYS “OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR” IS UNACCEPTABLE

CALLS FOR MORE PRODUCTS TO BE MADE IN THE U.S.

(San Jose) According to Riley Cleffner, the message printed on most vehicle mirrors is a perfect example of why America should build more products right here at home.  “This mirror was built overseas and it’s crap.  Objects should not be closer than they appear.  If they built the damned things right, the objects would be right where they’re supposed to be!” shouted Cleffner while holding a rear-view mirror in one hand and banging his shoe on the podium with the other.  “What if your bathroom mirror was like that?  You’d brush your teeth and ram your face into the mirror because you forgot you were closer than you appeared!” Cleffner made the comments during a speech to Mrs. Wyler’s fourth grade class at Bernard Madoff Elementary School.  

BAY AREA HEADLINES

EXPRESS VTA LIGHT RAIL TRAIN SKIPS STOPS, SHAVES 19 SECONDS OFF TRIP FROM SOUTH SAN JOSE TO DOWNTOWN
City street sweeper still beats train from downtown to north San Jose

27 AMBULANCES SENT TO NON-INJURY ACCIDENT INVOLVING BLOODMOBILE
CHP Sgt. Twista Baumgardner:  "It looked a lot worse than it really was."

SAN JOSE CONSIDERING REVOLVING RESTAURANT AND OBSERVATION DECK ATOP CITY HALL
City Manager Deb "Deb" Figone:  "I think tourists would love it.  Plus, our councilmembers could check out their districts without ever having to leave the building."

GOOGLE DRIVERLESS CARS TESTED ON PUBLIC ROADWAYS

SIX VEHICLES LAST SEEN FRIDAY HEADING EAST ON HWY 680


Google is asking for motorists' help in finding six Toyota Prius hybrids that served as testbeds for the company's driverless vehicle technology.  The silver vehicles were last seen together Friday afternoon driving at a high rate of speed on eastbound Interstate 680 near Sunol.  The vehicles are easy identified by the large rotating sensor attached to the car's roof.  


When asked why Google didn't simply make contact with the high-tech vehicles via the internet, a company spokesperson sheepishly admitted that when they attempted to do so, they received the following error message:

Your search - Google Driverless Vehicles - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

• Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
• Try different keywords.
• Try more general keywords.

Anyone spotting the six vehicles is asked to contact Google or local police.

ELECTION 2010

BROWN STAFFER REFERS TO WHITMAN AS A “W----”                                     Bugle investigating, trying to determine what a “W----” is                                                                 

FRESNO AND DETROIT MAYORS CAUGHT TOILET PAPERING MEG WHITMAN’S ATHERTON HOME                                                                       Atherton Police Lt. Cyril Gargleton: “In addition to committing vandalism, they also scared her cat.”                                                                                                                             

MAYOR HINTS THAT IF MEASURE W PASSES, LOWER TIER SAN JOSE CITY EMPLOYEES MIGHT GET FREE GARBAGE CART UPGRADE
If passed by voters next month, Measure W would lead to the creation of a second, less expensive retirement plan for newly hired city employees.  Some experts warn such two-tier plans often lead to morale problems.  In response to those concerns, San Jose Mayor Chuck Reed believes he has the answer:  a free upgrade for affected employees from the 20-gallon garbage cart to the 32-gallon cart.  “That’s just $25.90 per month for a $27.50 cart,” said Reed excitedly.  “That’s a great value and a wonderful benefit for our employees who live in San Jose.”

TRANSIENTS FOUND LIVING IN GIANT COLON

Three intoxicated transient men were discovered camping inside a large plastic inflatable colon around 2:00am today by Alameda County Sheriff’s deputies.  The discovery came after a deputy on routine foot patrol heard strange noises coming from inside the colon.  “The men had apparently passed out and were snoring.  It’s a good thing the deputy found them because they had left a small campfire burning and the wall of the colon had already started bubbling,” said Sheriff’s Public Information Officer Cookie Pinsker.  

The Giant Colon is a popular exhibit that makes stops at health and science fairs around the country.  The colon, located in the fairground's patio area just south of the food court, was due to open to the public today.  Giant Colon spokesman Clive Funderberg said security issues are rare.  “There is a flap on the end of the colon but no locking device.  We’ve never had a problem before.”    

WEEKEND NEWS BRIEFS

BUCK-TOOTHED MAN UNABLE TO REMOVE TURTLENECK SHIRT:                                  Santa Clara resident laments, "I wish I'd never tried the damned thing on."  

GOOD SAMARITAN SETS STRICKEN MAN'S HAIR ON FIRE AFTER MISTAKING ELECTRIC CAR CHARGING STATION FOR AUTOMATIC DEFIBRILLATOR

"QWERTY" TOPS LIST OF MOST POPULAR FIRST NAMES FOR GIRLS IN SILICON VALLEY

FIREBAUGH A POOR VACATION CHOICE, SAYS HACK TRAVEL WRITER
"I'd rather go to Liberia"

BUGLE GOES ON HIATUS UNTIL NEXT WEEKEND

EDITOR PURCHASES GREYHOUND VACATION PACKAGE TO FIREBAUGH 

NEWS BRIEFS

SELFISH MAN REPORTS FINDING TRADER JOE'S STORE WITH NO SOLICITORS OUT FRONT BUT REFUSES TO DIVULGE ITS LOCATION

24 HOUR FITNESS TO ACTUALLY START SELLING MEAT

WINCHESTER MYSTERY HOUSE EMPLOYEE REPORTS SEEING THE GHOSTS OF SMITH AND WESSON URINATING ON THE GRAND BALLROOM FLOOR