BUGLE BRIEFS

The 98,000 square mile patch of dirt
depicted on this map is all that's left after Oregon's move

ENTIRE STATE OF OREGON FLEES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

LEAVES NOTE SAYING IT "CAN'T TAKE LIVING ABOVE CALIFORNIA ANYMORE"

The entire state of Oregon fled sometime early Saturday morning, leaving behind 98,000 square miles of dirt, an old Subaru, and a note explaining, "It's not that we dislike California, but it's like having a neighbor who has a bunch of people living in the garage and doesn't paint their house or fix up the yard." 


Oregon's current whereabouts are unknown but Kentucky wasted no time in expressing interest in moving to the vacant site between California and Washington.  "We can get along with 'pert near anybody," said Kentucky Land Office Director Goby Harkiss.   

BUGLE BRIEFS

PFIZER TO PROVIDE VIAGRA USERS WITH COMPLIMENTARY SINGLE-LENS 3-D GLASSES  
"Men taking Viagra only need the red lens because their vision is already bluish."  
Viagra spokesman Copernicus Storch

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Cat show organizer Alvina Molk
and her cat Squirts

CITY'S HOPES OF HOSTING 2020 WORLD'S FAIR QUASHED DUE TO SCHEDULING CONFLICT WITH CAT SHOW 
 "I'd like to help out, but we already have over 12,000 kitties scheduled to appear at the show, including 27 Norwegian Forest Cats and a Devon Rex, which is very rare.  I'm so excited.  I hope I live that long."  
2020 Cat Show Organizer Alvina Molk


EXERCISE PHYSIOLOGIST RELUCTANTLY ADMITS THAT SPINNING AROUND ON A BAR STOOL IS A BETTER WORKOUT THAN DOING NOTHING AT ALL


ENTERTAINMENT NEWS:

ACTRESS BEA ARTHUR SUES NATIONAL ENQUIRER OVER FEATURE "STARS YOU THOUGHT WERE DEAD, BUT AREN'T" 

Actress complains: "But I AM dead!"

LOCAL MAN RECOGNIZES HIS FORMER NEIGHBOR AT BODY WORLDS EXHIBIT

Imagine Arlo DeFennemeyer's surprise when, during a visit to the Body Worlds show at the Expo Center last weekend, one of the exhibits turned out to be his former neighbor.  "Yep, that's Bob alright.  He had a small head and big feet--I'd recognize him anywhere."


DeFennemeyer said his neighbor, who was identified only by his first name, moved to Arkansas in 1998.  "We lost touch and I always wondered what happened to him," said DeFennemeyer, who added that Bob, "always picked up our mail when we went on vacation."  

BUGLE BRIEFS

CITY OFFICIALS DEJECTED AFTER LEARNING THAT ROBOCOP WASN'T REAL
SOURCE SAYS CITY MANAGER HOPED TO UTILIZE "A ROBOCOP OR TWO" TO COMPENSATE FOR SHRINKING POLICE RANKS
Robocop Director Paul Verhoeven:  "I hated to be the one to burst their bubble.  They were so excited when they called."  

NASA ACKNOWLEDGES THAT SPACECRAFT VOYAGER 1 IS OVERDUE FOR 10-BILLION MILE SERVICE
SPACE AGENCY SAYS IT'S TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY WAITING UNTIL AN ONLINE DISCOUNT COUPON IS OFFERED 

REFRIGERATOR WITH NO MOTOR RECEIVES HIGHEST ENERGY STAR RATING
"It just goes to show that sometimes the simplest change can result in amazing energy savings.  The Tepidaire refrigerator will save our customers hundreds of dollars a year on energy costs."  
Tepidaire President Collie Tweefles 

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RECYCLING FACILITY EMPLOYEE ACCUSED OF TERRORIZING WOMAN WHO REFUSED TO RINSE OUT HER YOGURT CONTAINERS

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Left, World Series trophy
Right, Home Depot chandelier

BOSTON RED SOX FANS OUTRAGED AFTER DISCOVERY THAT WORLD SERIES TROPHY IS ACTUALLY HOME DEPOT LAMP
"They told us it was made by Tiffany and that it cost $15,000, but Home Depot sells them for $189."
Red Sox Fan Melvern Veetzle


LOCAL ANIMAL SHELTER TO PHASE OUT CAT VENDING MACHINES FOLLOWING PUBLIC OUTCRY
Officials at a local cat shelter said today they will stop utilizing vending machines to increase the rate of adoptions of the organization's cats.  "We were trying to think outside the cage.  We thought more of our cats might find homes if people could get their new kitty from a machine at the store, kind of like Redbox.  But we were apparently the only ones who thought it was a good idea."  
General Manager Ginger Lou Furnuckle  

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COUNTY TO REPLACE RED LIGHT CAMERAS  WITH PHOTO-SNAPPING VOLUNTEER PERCHED ABOVE INTERSECTIONS

"Red light camera systems cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, but this only costs a few bucks for memory cards and Dale's lunch at Subway when he comes down off the light post."  
Streets and Highways Department Manager Dick Bob Zindle

BUGLE BRIEFS

PARENTS COMPLAIN ABOUT TWO YEAR WAITING LIST FOR COMPANY'S NEW TEENAGER TIME CAPSULE

     Thousands of parents of teenagers are complaining about a new product called the CanTeen.  Their complaint?  They can't get their hands on one soon enough.  
     "Parents love our product because they don't have to deal with the rebellious teenage years," said CanTeen Director of Marketing Muffin Nooberhoff.  
     The  water heater-shaped device is a soundproof capsule, inside of which the defiant teen is locked.  "The CanTeen is then stored in a shed or corner of the garage until the kid is 23 or so," explained Nooberhoff.  "Unfortunately, demand has outstripped supply, but we're making them as fast as we can."