BUGLE BRIEFS

GRIM REAPER SAYS OPRAH BOOK CLUB PAPERBACK "CHANGED MY LIFE."  

"After I read Here on Earth by Alice Hoffman, I decided I just don't want to do the whole doom and gloom thing anymore."  

MEDICAL HEADLINES

DOCTORS SAY THEY'RE BAFFLED BY LOCAL MAN'S ROVING BALD SPOT

"I can't even wear a baseball cap like most bald guys," said a dejected Lloyd Tortsel 

BUGLE BRIEFS

WHITE HOUSE SAYS OBAMA'S AUTO-PEN DEVICE OUTDATED

The auto-pen device, shown here in the Oval Office, 
signs documents when the President is unavailable 

10-year-old device"leaks ink, squeaks and occasionally flips off the Vice-President," according to White House spokesperson Forkus Fenzle

DETECTIVES SAY LOCAL MAN MISSING FOR TWO WEEKS LEFT NOTE BLAMING EMPIRE CARPET JINGLE

BUGLE BRIEFS

PAPARAZZI  PHOTO ILLUSTRATES SAD DECLINE OF "GIRL FROM IPANEMA"

The Girl From Ipanema
on the beach in
Vila Velha, Brazil 

"I guess she's not 'tall and tan and

 young and lovely' anymore."  

           Reaction of retired Machinist Reardon Stumfunkie, self-professed fan of the 1964 hit song

BUGLE BRIEFS

NEIGHBORS TRADE GUNFIRE DURING ARGUMENT OVER REPLACING "GOOD NEIGHBOR" FENCE

BUGLE BRIEFS

The 98,000 square mile patch of dirt
depicted on this map is all that's left after Oregon's move

ENTIRE STATE OF OREGON FLEES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

LEAVES NOTE SAYING IT "CAN'T TAKE LIVING ABOVE CALIFORNIA ANYMORE"

The entire state of Oregon fled sometime early Saturday morning, leaving behind 98,000 square miles of dirt, an old Subaru, and a note explaining, "It's not that we dislike California, but it's like having a neighbor who has a bunch of people living in the garage and doesn't paint their house or fix up the yard." 


Oregon's current whereabouts are unknown but Kentucky wasted no time in expressing interest in moving to the vacant site between California and Washington.  "We can get along with 'pert near anybody," said Kentucky Land Office Director Goby Harkiss.   

BUGLE BRIEFS

PFIZER TO PROVIDE VIAGRA USERS WITH COMPLIMENTARY SINGLE-LENS 3-D GLASSES  
"Men taking Viagra only need the red lens because their vision is already bluish."  
Viagra spokesman Copernicus Storch

BUGLE BRIEFS

Cat show organizer Alvina Molk
and her cat Squirts

CITY'S HOPES OF HOSTING 2020 WORLD'S FAIR QUASHED DUE TO SCHEDULING CONFLICT WITH CAT SHOW 
 "I'd like to help out, but we already have over 12,000 kitties scheduled to appear at the show, including 27 Norwegian Forest Cats and a Devon Rex, which is very rare.  I'm so excited.  I hope I live that long."  
2020 Cat Show Organizer Alvina Molk


EXERCISE PHYSIOLOGIST RELUCTANTLY ADMITS THAT SPINNING AROUND ON A BAR STOOL IS A BETTER WORKOUT THAN DOING NOTHING AT ALL


ENTERTAINMENT NEWS:

ACTRESS BEA ARTHUR SUES NATIONAL ENQUIRER OVER FEATURE "STARS YOU THOUGHT WERE DEAD, BUT AREN'T" 

Actress complains: "But I AM dead!"

LOCAL MAN RECOGNIZES HIS FORMER NEIGHBOR AT BODY WORLDS EXHIBIT

Imagine Arlo DeFennemeyer's surprise when, during a visit to the Body Worlds show at the Expo Center last weekend, one of the exhibits turned out to be his former neighbor.  "Yep, that's Bob alright.  He had a small head and big feet--I'd recognize him anywhere."


DeFennemeyer said his neighbor, who was identified only by his first name, moved to Arkansas in 1998.  "We lost touch and I always wondered what happened to him," said DeFennemeyer, who added that Bob, "always picked up our mail when we went on vacation."  

BUGLE BRIEFS

CITY OFFICIALS DEJECTED AFTER LEARNING THAT ROBOCOP WASN'T REAL
SOURCE SAYS CITY MANAGER HOPED TO UTILIZE "A ROBOCOP OR TWO" TO COMPENSATE FOR SHRINKING POLICE RANKS
Robocop Director Paul Verhoeven:  "I hated to be the one to burst their bubble.  They were so excited when they called."  

NASA ACKNOWLEDGES THAT SPACECRAFT VOYAGER 1 IS OVERDUE FOR 10-BILLION MILE SERVICE
SPACE AGENCY SAYS IT'S TRYING TO SAVE MONEY BY WAITING UNTIL AN ONLINE DISCOUNT COUPON IS OFFERED 

REFRIGERATOR WITH NO MOTOR RECEIVES HIGHEST ENERGY STAR RATING
"It just goes to show that sometimes the simplest change can result in amazing energy savings.  The Tepidaire refrigerator will save our customers hundreds of dollars a year on energy costs."  
Tepidaire President Collie Tweefles 

BUGLE BRIEFS

RECYCLING FACILITY EMPLOYEE ACCUSED OF TERRORIZING WOMAN WHO REFUSED TO RINSE OUT HER YOGURT CONTAINERS

BUGLE BRIEFS

Left, World Series trophy
Right, Home Depot chandelier

BOSTON RED SOX FANS OUTRAGED AFTER DISCOVERY THAT WORLD SERIES TROPHY IS ACTUALLY HOME DEPOT LAMP
"They told us it was made by Tiffany and that it cost $15,000, but Home Depot sells them for $189."
Red Sox Fan Melvern Veetzle


LOCAL ANIMAL SHELTER TO PHASE OUT CAT VENDING MACHINES FOLLOWING PUBLIC OUTCRY
Officials at a local cat shelter said today they will stop utilizing vending machines to increase the rate of adoptions of the organization's cats.  "We were trying to think outside the cage.  We thought more of our cats might find homes if people could get their new kitty from a machine at the store, kind of like Redbox.  But we were apparently the only ones who thought it was a good idea."  
General Manager Ginger Lou Furnuckle  

BUGLE BRIEFS

COUNTY TO REPLACE RED LIGHT CAMERAS  WITH PHOTO-SNAPPING VOLUNTEER PERCHED ABOVE INTERSECTIONS

"Red light camera systems cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, but this only costs a few bucks for memory cards and Dale's lunch at Subway when he comes down off the light post."  
Streets and Highways Department Manager Dick Bob Zindle

BUGLE BRIEFS

PARENTS COMPLAIN ABOUT TWO YEAR WAITING LIST FOR COMPANY'S NEW TEENAGER TIME CAPSULE

     Thousands of parents of teenagers are complaining about a new product called the CanTeen.  Their complaint?  They can't get their hands on one soon enough.  
     "Parents love our product because they don't have to deal with the rebellious teenage years," said CanTeen Director of Marketing Muffin Nooberhoff.  
     The  water heater-shaped device is a soundproof capsule, inside of which the defiant teen is locked.  "The CanTeen is then stored in a shed or corner of the garage until the kid is 23 or so," explained Nooberhoff.  "Unfortunately, demand has outstripped supply, but we're making them as fast as we can."  

BUGLE BUSINESS BRIEFS

LOCAL FINGER INJURY SPECIALISTS COMPLAIN: "THE KINDLE IS DRIVING US OUT OF BUSINESS!"  
"We used to treat dozens of book-related paper cuts every day.  Now all we do is splinters and slivers."  

Dr. Akhil Jeetpeeper of the South Bay Index Finger Clinic 

TOYOTA TARGETS DECEASED ENVIRONMENTALIST MARKET WITH PRIUS HEARSE

BUGLE BRIEFS

Worried EconoPlot CEO
Ward Blekkenknob

ONLINE FUNERAL INSURANCE COMPANY SPENDS $3 MILLION TO BUY SUPER BOWL COMMERCIAL BUT CAN'T FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE IT FUNNY
EconoPlot CEO Ward Bleckkenknob:  "The clock is ticking.  We'd better come up with something quick."  

BUGLE BRIEFS

POPULARITY OF CHICKEN WINGS CREATES GLUT OF WINGLESS CHICKEN BODIES

CHICKEN PROCESSORS SAY UPCOMING SUPER BOWL WILL ONLY EXACERBATE PROBLEM

Orbco produced thousands of
these defective globes

ASTRONAUT'S POOR EYESIGHT COSTS GLOBE MAKER MILLIONS

Astronaut Thad Puckleberry
says he's sorry about
globe mixup

Officials at the desktop globe manufacturer Orbco announced today that the company has lost millions of dollars in sales, bringing it to the brink of bankruptcy.  The loss occurred after Orbco manufactured nearly a half-million defective desktop globes.  

Orbco president Fennis "Junior" Gweech explained that the company produced the defective globes after astronaut Thad Puckleberry, who had just returned from the International Space Station, told Orbco that the earth was actually oval shaped rather than round.  "He was so passionate about it that he convinced us," said Gweech.  "Then we found out later the guy has horrible eyesight and can't see his hand in front of his face.  How does a guy like that become an astronaut?" Puckleberry released a statement, saying, "I feel really bad about it."

AUTOMAKERS COMPLAIN ABOUT STARBUCKS' NEW ONE GALLON "TRENTA" CUP

Starbucks' new Trenta cup
 in cup holder of a new Ford Furlough'

"We're maxed out.  If coffee cups get any larger, we'll have to eliminate the front passenger seat." 

Javier DeDeDeDelio, Chief of Interior Design, Ford Motor Company

BUGLE BRIEFS

An unidentified man consults with
his doctor during his yearly
physical exam via Skype

SENATOR BLASTS OBAMACARE PLAN TO PERFORM ANNUAL PHYSICAL EXAMS VIA SKYPE
"I realize we're trying to save money here, but this is going too far."  Senator Yarmen Blarkmore 

GUY WHOSE IDEA IT WAS TO PAINT FIRE TRUCKS LIME GREEN IS FINALLY DEAD

BUGLE BRIEFS

ANGRY GHOST OF EDGAR ALLAN POE WANTS TO KNOW, "WHERE ARE MY COGNAC AND FLOWERS?"
The ghost of writer Edgar Allan Poe held a graveside news conference today to express his frustration over not receiving his traditional gift of roses and cognac.  For more than 60 years, an anonymous man has left the flowers and bottle of liquor at Poe's grave each January 19th, the writer's birthday. But this year, for the second time, the shadowy man was a no-show.  


"I don't want to seem ungrateful, but, come on, I'm dead.  I can't just hop over to BevMo and pick up a bottle," said the exasperated Poe.  He wasn't the only one who was disappointed.  Dozens of spectators waited overnight at the cemetery for the arrival of the unknown man dressed in black and wearing a wide-brimmed hat.  "Frankly, I don't give a (expletive) about the flowers, but the booze would have been nice," complained the pallid looking author.  

BUGLE BRIEFS

DOCTORS SAY NEW PROSTATE EXAM SMARTPHONE APP NOT RELIABLE


"Studies indicate that the test results produced by this device are not accurate, particularly when a call or text comes through during the testing process.  We encourage men to instead visit their health professional for such exams."  Dr. Delmo Fadden, Hiawatha University Medical Center 

J-6000 Work Buddy

SEARS ADMITS  TOOL REALLY DOESN'T DO ANYTHING

Thousands of people have paid more than $300 for the J-6000 Work Buddy, but now Sears is admitting that the distinctive looking tool doesn't do anything.  "It's useless," said Red Gizzard, Toolology Chair at  Meed's Vocational College in Ozona, Texas.  Sears spokesperson Wendeeee Calpido said today the company will stop selling the J-6000 immediately. "Unfortunately, that means that customers who have already purchased the tool will have problems finding parts for it down the road," said Calpido.   

BUGLE BRIEFS

GROCERY CLERKS PRIVATELY ADMIT THEY DON'T REALLY CARE IF YOU FOUND EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED OR NOT

"My manager says I have to ask, but I hate it when the customer says, "Oh, you know, I couldn't find the Pillsbury Muffin Mix."  Then I gotta hold up the entire line while another clerk has to go fetch a friggin' box of muffin mix."  Sal B., Grocery Clerk

QUILTING TOILET PAPER BECOMING A LOST ART

"I can quilt eight rolls a day," beams 84-year old Alva Skwijaman as her fingers deftly maneuver a quilting needle in and out of an outstretched roll of Quilted Northern.  "I've been quilting toilet paper for 58 years.  Most companies switched to machines years ago and there aren't many hand quilters like me left.  I do think customers can tell the difference between a roll I quilted and one produced by a machine--especially the time I accidentally left a quilting needle in a roll," she said with a wink.   

NEW CENSUS REVEALS THAT 83% OF AMERICANS HAVE AT LEAST ONE "UNCLE BOB." 

ACLU TO SUE ON BEHALF OF ELDERLY CAT BURGLAR WITH SQUEAKY ARTIFICIAL HIP

LEGAL ORGANIZATION CLAIMS BURGLAR HAD SUCCESSFUL CAREER UNTIL SIDELINED BY SQUEAKY JOINT


An ACLU spokesperson said today the organization plans to sue artificial hip manufacturer Flexton, LLC on behalf of 71 year old Huey Beedlecorn, a serial cat burglar who was captured by police around 3:00am Monday while allegedly trying to burglarize a west side home.  "Because of his squeaky artificial hip, our client keeps getting caught in the act and is having a terrible time trying to make a living.  We believe Flexton's product is defective and that the company is responsible for Huey's plight,"  said ACLU attorney Petal O' Gummton, who added that, although he claims to have burglarized thousands of homes over more than 50 years, Beedlecorn had never been arrested until after receiving his new hip.  "He's just trying to make ends meet." 


COMING UP IN THE BUGLE FOOD SECTION THIS SATURDAY:
Restaurant guests describe the revulsion they felt after seeing chef use a large kitchen fork to scratch his back.  

DRAG RACE LIGHTS TO BE INSTALLED ON LOCAL FREEWAY ONRAMPS

OFFICIALS SAY RACE-TYPE STARTING LIGHTS MORE APPROPRIATE THAN METERING LIGHTS FOR SPEEDY LOCAL DRIVERS 

GILLETTE INTRODUCES NEW SUV AT AUTO SHOW

RAZOR MANUFACTURER JOINS RANKS OF AUTO MAKERS WITH DEBUT OF NEW MACH 4  

"It's the only vehicle on the market with double ultra-thin cutting foils plus three lower titanium blades with a lubrication strip."
Gillette Marketing Manager Beebeelynn Gnartoff 

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

HOLLYWOOD BEAT:
BREAKING NEWS!
Robert Redford confirms longtime rumors that he
and former radio host Don Imus are the same person
"Thank God it's over," said the actor.  "It was eating me alive."

NEW PRESIDENTIAL LIMO FOR OBAMA'S HAWAIIAN TRIPS

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN SAYS BEACH-THEMED LIMO WILL BE USED ONLY FOR PRESIDENT'S HAWAIIAN VACATIONS